Guys And Dolls

Channel 5

The commodification of human intimacy is an inevitable by-product of advanced capitalism. Everything has a price tag after all. And with most jobs and lifestyles being bereft of fulfilment, joy or any prospect of emotional connection with your fellow (wo)man, it’s a wonder we’re not all on the game. The existence of the real doll subculture
should therefore only come as a surprise to those head-in-the-sand Pollyannas who think there’s a boy out there for every gal and a gal for every boy. All you suckers out there need to know just one thing: there IS a girl out there for you. The trouble is she’s already slept with Aerial Telly and the prospect of dating a man like you is one too awful for her to contemplate. She’s had Prime Beef and now you’re going to try and feed her Quorn substitute? What kind of "man" are you?

"The commodification of human intimacy is an inevitable by-product of advanced capitalism. Everything has a price tag after all."

Five‘s Guys And Dolls gave us a glimpse into the lives of some doll fuckers and was commendably matter-of-fact about it. Perhaps feeling that the subject matter was strange enough and not in need of sensationalising, they gave their subjects a fair run at explaining themselves without sneaky editing, phoney set-ups and other such documentary dirty tricks. For those of you who missed the Real Dolls memo God sent (and you’re in good company there) they are lifelike rubber replicas of attractive young women who are purchased, dressed and fucked by slightly less lifelike men

"'(The dolls) are very static. They don’t react at all’. Oh no fucking shit? I was expecting her to be doing the can-can."

Men like Everard, a 48 year-old computer technician who is in a long-term relationship with his doll Virginia. As her latex tits point up at him from the bed he says "She just lies there. (The dolls) are very static. They don’t react at all". Oh no fucking shit? I was expecting her to be doing the can-can. He insists that having the doll is "certainly better than going without any female company at all" something which he at least seems to have extensive knowledge of.

"He insists that having the doll is ‘certainly better than going without any female company at all’ something which he at least seems to have extensive knowledge of."

With Everard you are struck by the sheer banality of his perversion. He’s quite up front that his doll hobby exists because he can’t get any real ass. But Virginia certainly gets out a fair amount – Everard is a keen hang-glider and she sits patiently in his car, head assiduously turned in his general direction as he glides over hill and dale. Everard can’t understand why women aren’t impressed by his hang-gliding. "I would expect women to be naturally attracted to the types of blokes who do exciting things" he says in his nasal monotone. It’s all in the delivery, Everard. "Here I am, a superhero but it’s deemed irrelevant" I wouldn’t worry too much – The Silver Surfer had his women troubles too. You didn’t catch him porking puppets on the quiet.

"Your man’s fucking the cast of Malibu Barbie: The Porn Years. Sporting a piercing last considered outré in 1947 ain’t preparing you for this."

Costing around £4,000 each it’s not surprising that the men see them as a long-term commitment. In America, Mike owns eight which is enough for a volleyball team with a couple of substitutes. Unlike most real doll enthusiasts, Mike dates real women and he’s recently hooked up with Jody, a woman he met through the internet. "As soon as he saw this" said Jody, pointing to a barely visible nose stud "He knew I was open-minded". Shit girl, it’s all about scale. A chick having a nose stud merely means you might be able to get a blowjob without giving three weeks’ notice. Your man’s fucking the cast of Malibu Barbie: The Porn Years. Sporting a piercing last considered outré in 1947 ain’t preparing you for this.

"A week later she ends the relationship. It seems the Sisterhood Of Nose Piercing just didn’t have what it took. Shame."

But with admirable faith in human nature, Mike invites Jody to his birthday party where he will introduce the full extent of his obsession. She enters his house to be greeted by two of his dolls, fully dressed but with panties showing, legs splayed, comedy breasts and sporting party hats. "I need a beer" is her understandable response. After some discussion and getting used to the idea she says "I’m perfectly fine with it". A week later she ends the relationship. It seems the Sisterhood Of Nose Piercing just didn’t have what it took. Shame.

"She is simply a very expensive cumbucket.
Let’s be honest – we’ve all had girlfriends like that."

Contemplate the real doll. She sits there, mute and glaring. You can never have anything in common. She can never love you and your love for her is an illusion. You can’t have a proper conversation, can’t ever ask her opinion, can’t relate to her as a real human – she is simply a very expensive cumbucket.

Let’s be honest – we’ve all had girlfriends like that.

The best thing about it: Those dolls are HOT!

The worst thing about it: They’re a bit high-maintenance for my taste.

The verdict on Guys And Dolls : "I’m a Barbie girl in the Barbie world. Life in plastic, it’s fantastic".

Marks out of 10: 7