Indie kids – munching on cock all day, every day, from now until forever

That’s right, work the balls while you’re down there

 

Tonight, on your BBC2, Hamfatter, an indie band will appear on Dragons’ Den begging for cash from the arse pieces. Incredibly, Peter Jones ends up investing £75,000 in a poor man’s Belle and Sebastian without a record label or A&R man in sight. Just what the HELL is going on?

“It is kind of exciting for people who get less pussy than the average Aerial Telly reader and whose every step in life is racked by fear, doubt and self-loathing”

Hamfatter are not the first musicians to impress in the Den – we had Levi Roots’ phenomenal success with Reggae Reggae Sauce though of course he was only flogging his secret family recipe sauce. But now bona fide indiescum are flogging a stake in their musical future to venture capitalists.

“Jones reckons Fannybatter will make £3.50 per album compared to 30p they’d make on a major label. Everyone wins, right?”

I can see the attraction of the idea to the worthless indieplankton – cutting the record company out of the equation and pioneering a new business model for the music industry is kind of exciting for people who get less pussy than the average Aerial Telly reader and whose every step in life is racked by fear, doubt and self-loathing.

Jones reckons Fannybatter will make £3.50 per album sale compared to the 30p they’d make on a major label. The survival rate of struggling bands is just the wrong side of shite so if the chumps have more cash in their pockets, they stick around for longer, develop as artists and we get better music and a stronger indie scene as a result. Everyone wins, right?

“I long for the days when Dexys Midnight Runners stole the master tapes of Searching for the Young Soul Rebels to renegotiate their cut of the profits. Now that’s how you interact with the music industry.”

Wrong, shitgibbon. We want rock bands to have an antagonistic relationship with The Man. You can’t imagine The Sex Pistols in the Dragons’ Den can you? Their firing from EMI is a great example of the major label strife rite of passage all successful bands should go through.

I long for the days when Dexys Midnight Runners stole the master tapes of Searching for the Young Soul Rebels to renegotiate their cut of the profits. Now that’s how you interact with the music industry. It’s always been them and us. It’s never made much sense but we like it that way. I’m not sure what Shamtwatter are up to and I’m not sure I like it.

Aerial Telly isn’t having it.

Imagined: 21st July 2008