ITV
Previously on Clownton: Edith refused to kill her baby because she wasn’t a member of the cast of Breathless, Rose kissed a black and she liked it and Bates wanted to kill a rapist. Aunt Rosamund has a brilliant plan to help Edith out, a plan which cannot fail. Go away for an extended sabbatical and give up the baby to some Roma gypsies. Violet is suspicious and eventually rumbles them but she’ll be dead in a few weeks so fuck her.
Back among the living Rose is now so addicted to black cock she gets Jack Ross back up to Clownton again. They make the completely plausible and realistic decision to get married. Branson Pickle spots them in the tea rooms together and turns emerald green. Being an illiterate bog savage he imagines Ross cooking Rose in a big pot chanting “ooga-booga!” which is almost certainly not what will happen. But the insane Irish racist is so perturbed he grasses her up to Monster Mash Mary who is unsurprisingly turned on at the thought of some interclass interracial.
Being an illiterate bog savage he imagines Ross cooking Rose in a big pot chanting “ooga-booga!” which is almost certainly not what will happen.
Also getting wet for the first time in years is Mrs Crawley. She’s being really lamely courted by old scrote Mr Merton. Isobel last had some ass around the time of the Crimean War and is thus very perturbed by this mysterious stirring beneath her skirts. Whatever could it be? Matthew calling for mommy from beyond the grave?
Isobel last had some ass around the time of the Crimean War and is thus very perturbed by this mysterious stirring beneath her skirts.
Looking mysteriously chipper is Bates after he has a “day off” outing to “York”. Scare quotes are appropriate because “Bates” seems to have rumbled that it was rapey Dennis Rapeman who raped his wife and who knows what plan he could have set in motion on that day? Hmmm.
Mary gets a sitdown with Jack and quite correctly points out that Rose just wants to marry him to shock her dipshit mother. Jack knows it deep down and agrees not to marry the dummy but insists that it’s only because he doesn’t want to knock the back out of her and ruin her for every white man afterwards “spoil her life”. Yeah, that’s right Jack. “Spoil”.
Jack agrees not to marry Rose as he doesn’t want to
knock the back out of her and ruin her for every white man afterwards“spoil her life”
Great. Mary is used to getting what she wants and while she is on a roll she asks Gillingham for a favour. Will he put on her dress and choke out Mabel Lame Fucks while she watches? LOL jk. Would he perhaps get rid of Dennis Rapeman? He’s a complete beastly rotter but she can’t say why. Gillingham is fine with that. He’s a member of the ruling class, he wants to put his cock in Mary and he always thought Rapeman was a cunt anyway. Problem solved.
He’s a member of the ruling class, he wants to put his cock in Mary and he always thought Rapeman was a cunt anyway. Problem solved.
Well, not quite. Because when Gillingham goes to give Rapeman his cards he hears that he’s all dead. He fell over or some shit. Right on the day that Bates went for his “day off” to “York”. Bates is a real G who you don’t fuck with and you certainly don’t want to fuck with his wife when she hasn’t given explicit consent. You’ll end up deader than a man who’s come into contact with Monster Mash Mary’s vagina.
The verdict: There ain’t too much sadder than the tears of a Clownton. When there’s no one aroundton.¹
Marks out of 10: 7
¹Fuck you.