Previously on Death Comes to Pemberley: Wickham kissed a girl and he liked it – hoped his missus didn’t mind it. Turns out she didn’t, Lydia being in the marriage essentially for the lulzs and, say what you will about Wickham, there’s always plenty of those around. You couldn’t in all conscience say that for the union of Fitzwilliam and his future bride, with Georgiana giving the least enthusiastic yes to a proposal since the IRS said to Lauryn Hill “how about we put away the Ziggy Marley demos and have a look at those accounts?”
Georgiana gives the least enthusiastic yes to a proposal since the IRS said to Lauryn Hill “how about we have a look at those accounts?”
With the trial fast approaching and a gallows being built with Wickham’s name on it further light is thrown on the murky shenanigans leading up to the murder of Captain Dunny. The deceased captain met with Louisa in the Abbey along with the bonnet wearing Woods Ment Mrs Young to hand over baby Georgie. But Louisa saw the crazy in her eyes and decided nuh-huh. £30 she tried to buy him for. I mean, dude – no way is a baby worth that. This is Georgian England – £30 buys you a house.
£30 she tried to buy him for. I mean, dude – no way is a baby worth that. This is Georgian England – £30 buys you a house.
Once the actual trial begins Darcy spots Woods Ment and flashes back to the time she demanded money for the whereabouts of Wickham and Georgiana after their moonlight flit. Darcy buttonholes her and gets out of her that she is George Wickham’s brother, which explains both the baby weirdness and her shit face.
Woods Ment is George Wickham’s brother, which explains both the baby weirdness and her shit face.
It also transpires that Fitzwilliam was part of the baby trading. He tells an incandescent Darcy that it was to protect the family name particularly the fragrant Georgiana “If she is to be my wife I must protect her from further taint”. Shit, I know she’s been around a bit but no need to rag on her love of perineum. This vicious insult aimed at his sister’s undercarriage addiction is too much for Darcy who calls off the wedding which at least means that dreary cocksmoker Alveston is in with a shot (and when he hears the news he is in there, Like A Shot).
“If she is to be my wife I must protect her from further taint”. Shit, I know she’s been around a bit but no need to rag on her love of perineum.
The verdict is guilty, predictably enough, and to add to the suicide mountain Woods Ment Emily Davisons herself under a horse when she hears. Being the fools we are though viewers pay no attention to the REAL killer Ill Will Bidwell who saw Captain Dunny the night of the murder. Dunny came round giving it the big ‘un about wee baby Georgie which is a bit rich coming from somebody named after a toilet so Ill Will brained him with his walking stick. Dunny fell down the gully and hilariously banged his head on Darcy’s shitheel great grandfather’s grave. And they say slapstick is dead (or maybe they were referring to Dunny after he got slapped with a stick?)
Dunny came round giving it the big ‘un about wee baby Georgie which is a bit rich coming from somebody named after a toilet so Ill Will brained him
Still, I can’t bear him any Ill Will. Fuck him, he’ll be dead in three months anyway. Wickham gets his pardon to ruin more lives and feature in the inevitable sequel.
In news of a more personal nature Georgiana gets some cock and Elizabeth gets another pregnancy. It’s exactly how Plain Jane Austen would have planned it.
The verdict: In the boogie down, enough props, enough clout. Ill will rest in peace yo I’m out.
Marks out of 10: 7