Previously on Death Comes to Pemberley: death arrived in (of all places) Pemberley. Fitzwilliam pays a visit to Wickham who is livid at the conditions of his confinement. “This Château le Blanc 68 is supposed to be served slightly chilled! This is room temperature!” he bellyaches and there’s clearly some conspiracy going on between the two of them. “We both have reasons to keep quiet don’t we Colonel, eh?” says Wickham as Fitzwilliam throttles him (pretty impressive if you think about it).
“We both have reasons to keep quiet don’t we Colonel, eh?” says Wickham as Fitzwilliam throttles him (pretty impressive if you think about it).
Among the commoners, Louisa Bidwell has a high old time breastfeeding her sister’s baby. Elizabeth witnesses this and realises there is something going on too dull for human comprehension and with her unerring nose for the inconsequential she beats the truth out of the skank. Her “sister’s” child is indeed Louisa’s. She let a soldier, one Freddie De Lancey, put his cock in her before he GTFO to London to secure a better future for her and their child. Elizabeth makes discreet enquiries and discovers that no such cocksucker exists in the regiment. Louisa has her stupid heart broken into tiny pieces.
With her unerring nose for the inconsequential Elizabeth beats the truth out of the skank.
Once Elizabeth is on a roll you can’t stop her and she unearths another family secret when she catches Darcy mooning over his disgraced great grandfather’s grave in the woods. Turns out old Darcy was some kind of gambler hermit who Budd Dwyered himself with a pistol out in Pemberley Woods which is starting to resemble a Japanese suicide forest with all the corpses piling up.
Pemberley Woods is starting to resemble a Japanese suicide forest with all the corpses piling up.
Alveston and Georgiana declare their ardent desire to fuck the shit out of each other when the smoke over this teed joust recedes. Cousin Colonel continues to run his almighty cockblock against Alveston but despite his best efforts Georgiana would still hit that. Oh Fitzwilliam. Will you ever know the solace that is to be had between the legs of a woman or will your only sexual fulfilment remain your regiment’s hazing rituals?
Will you ever know the solace that is to be had between the legs of a woman or will your only sexual fulfilment remain your regiment’s hazing rituals?
That actually may not be the case because Darcy pressures Georgiana into telling Alveston to fuck off. She cries and cries and cries. Just what the Georgian era needed – another loveless marriage between two relatives. Great work Darcy.
Just what the Georgian era needed – another loveless marriage between two relatives. Great work Darcy.
The inquest is a laugh every three hours. The verdict is guilty, Wickham gets sent to trial and a distraught Louisa identifies him out as “Freddie He Lancedme”. What on earth?
One particularly strong feature of this heretical Austin is the giddy aunt comedy double act of Mrs Bennett and Lydia who continue to be good value. Credit to the old Tory PD James, she totally nails that familial voice. The murder mystery isn’t particularly gripping me but you can’t have everything.
The verdict: How many shot dead cunts can you find in an English country gaaaarden?
Marks out of 10: 7