Deadwood Season 3

HBO

HBO‘s Deadwood is the best television show I’ve ever seen. It feels almost unfair to compare it with other shows as it seems to be dealing in a different currency. Two seasons of finely honed character exposition, philosophical ponderings and lyrical beauty have left the tv intelligentsia about as moist as we get (the tv intelligentsia consisting of myself and a man called Tom in Finland). On top of the pulsating characters, the Shakespearean dialogue and cleverly weaved intrigue it is at turns hugely funny, raucous and moving.

"Bullock was fucking the ever loving shit out of the widow with such force that plaster fell from the ceilings of the Royal Hotel upon the patrons as they ate their lunch."

We left season two with Ellsworth marrying the Widow Garrett to preserve her honour after she was knocked up during her affair with Sherriff Seth Bullock. Bullock was fucking the ever loving shit out of the widow with such force that plaster fell from the ceilings of the Grand Central Hotel upon the patrons as they ate their lunch. Seth seems to be keeping his power steering pelvis for his brother’s widow these days – what with him having married her after Brother Bullock met his end amongst the dirt worshippers. "Step in my grave this quick would you, you clench jawed turd?" is just one of the things Robert Bullock may say to his brother if he retains the power of speech in the afterlife.

"’Don’t it fuckin’ stink in here? It does, Lila, like a hogwhore’s cunt’. This is the kind of premium motivational whoretalk that Joanie excels at."

Somewhere Cy Tolliver may be heading soon after being gut stabbed at the Ellsworth wedding celebrations. He resides, sick and stricken in the Bella Union, tended to by Joanie Stubbs who still finds it hard to break away from his apron strings. She’s not afraid to go drill sergeant on the whores who have let standards drop while the Big Bad lies wounded upstairs. "Don’t it fuckin’ stink in here? It does, Lila, like a hogwhore’s cunt". This is the kind of premium motivational whoretalk that Joanie excels at. It’s up there with "go wash your mouth – you got seven kinds of cock breath".

Prospecting maestro William Hearst plays a waiting game at the Grand Central, manoeuvring for control of Alma Garrett’s gold claim – hoping to manipulate Seth Bullock to influence her sale. Bullock resents the interference and pounds EB Farnham for telling Hearst of the affair apparently unaware that he NEVER DONE IT and that everybody knew he was fucking Alma from the plaster in their porridge. Bullock dishes out ass whippings like Bank Holiday chip vans dish out burgers – frequently, and with relish.

"Bullock dishes out ass whippings like Bank Holiday chip vans dish out burgers – frequently, and with relish."

Al Swearengen, for his part, is mad vexed that Hearst contrives a murder in The Gem – apparently to test Bullock’s reaction and willingness to do his bidding. As civilisation emerges from the mud and horseshit in Deadwood the fight for the rich pickings in the Black Hills is as ruthless as any Saloon free-for-all, only much better mannered. Your killers come with smiles (and a corrupt legislator).

"’Custer was a cunt. The End’ is Jane’s offering. Historically accurate and to the point – if she were around today the BBC would give her own six parter."

Robin Weigert’s Calamity Jane remains a joy – consumed with self-loathing and pissed nine-tenths of the time. Mrs Bullock’s schoolchildren have started asking about Jane scouting for General Custer and the school teacher asks Jane if she might fashion a story of her experiences. "Custer was a cunt. The End" is Jane’s offering. Historically accurate and to the point – if she were around today the BBC would give her own six parter.

The premiere set up the conflicts and intrigues for the rest of the season expertly. Nothing is forced or contrived – everything is organic. Effortlessly funny, violent, obscene and poignant – it’s everything you ever loved about drama, everything great about storytelling.

This will be the final season of Deadwood. Ally McBeal got five seasons. Sex And The City got six. There is no God.

The best thing about it: Its unfathomable genius

The worst thing about it: Its lack of longevity

The verdict on Deadwood Season 3: Glorious.

Marks out of 10: 9.5