Channel 4
Watching Big Brother is like meeting up with a friend diagnosed with a terminal illness. You’re smiling but you’re basically waiting for him to die. He’s become a drain on you, his family and the country and not just financially. He’s an emotional parasite who sucks the life and joy out of every locale he enters. You want to rinse his chemo addled skull with your hot piss and choke the little life left in him right out with your bare hands. But no. You stay, you smile and you sympathise. Because that’s how you roll.
"You want to rinse his chemo addled skull with your hot piss and choke the little life left in him right out with your bare hands. But no. You stay, you smile and you sympathise. Because that’s how you roll."
Endemol will have you believing there’s life in the old dog yet, though, and there is certainly no shortage of lemmings willing to throw themselves off the fame cliff if the auditions are anything to go by. These douchebags really will do anything to become famous. Ricky Gervais, when asked what advice he would give to somebody wanting to become famous, said "murder a prostitute" which was a very good answer. Notoriety will do for most of these nitwits. But just who are those brave amphibians swimming around the goldfish bowl over the summer months?
"The Rolex pawning long-turd borefriend of Lisa, Mario suffers from roid rage and has to be chained to a wall at night and fed raw steak."
Lisa, 40, the Amazonian breast implant vessel and sales rep from Warrington says the most significant event in her life was when her borefriend pawned his Rolex to buy her fake tits for her. And they say romance is dead
Mario, 42, the Rolex pawning long-turd borefriend of Lisa, the Sylvester Stallone, Linc from Prison Break and Buzz Lightyear lookalike suffers from roid rage and has to be chained to a wall at night and fed raw steak. Has spent the early exchanges offering Olympic standard patronage to Wee Blind Mikey in the hope of staving off his inevitable early eviction.
"Steph was alone in showing some balls standing up to Alex. She will, of course, be first out of the house and first into Nuts magazine."
Luke, 20, entered the Big Brother house to change people’s perception of students. The Frank Sidebottom sounding pro-wrestling announcer doesn’t smoke, drink, do drugs or swear and supports the Conservative party. Seems likely to kickstart a debate about whether he is an arse faced weasel or a weasel faced arse a la Gareth from The Office.
Stephanie, 19, a sexually attractive blonde girl who got kicked out of Popstars for lying about her age. Aerial Telly likes Stephanie. She was alone in showing some balls standing up to Alex the other night and he likes his girls to have a bit of fire in their belly. She will, of course, be first out of the house and first into Nuts magazine.
"Dale says he will ‘nail any fanny’ inside the house and shouted ‘get your snatch out!’to Rebecca during a game of Truth or Dare. There’s no substitute for class."
Rachel, 24, a Welsh trainee teacher with an impressive arse. Rachel will be this year’s winner according to Aerial Telly’s close personal friend and reality TV betting genius Ed Murray. An endorsement from Ed is like getting a blessing from the reality TV pope so keep an eye on this Welsh pie
Dale, 21, a student PE teacher who says he will "nail any fanny" inside the house and shouted "get your snatch out!" to Rebecca during a game of Truth or Dare. There’s no substitute for class.
Dennis, 23, dance student. Bears an alarming resemblance to Herr Lipp from The League of Gentlemen. Thinks he is heading up a new Lipgloss Bitches clique but the tedious freak is so far out of his depth with Sylvia and Alexandra it’s not funny.
"Mikey’s disability instantly made him the house child – a benign, sexless creature who everyone can project their fantasies of essential innocence and goodness of humanity onto."
Michael, 33, a blind, Scottish radio producer whose disability instantly made him the house child – a benign, sexless creature who everyone can project their fantasies of essential innocence and goodness of humanity onto. He will get few nominations as a result so expect this boy to be in the final four shakeup. Excellent ‘Chosen One’ material should the producers choose to make him.
"Mohammed has the perfect combination of affable and dreary that makes him a stayer with zero chance of winning."
Alexandra, 23, accounts "executive" is a nastier version of Charley if such a thing is possible. Unspeakably vile bullying arse.
Rex, 23, the executive chef is so far notable for being ginger and utterly anonymous.
Mohammed, 23, is a toy demonstrator who was born in Somalia. He has the perfect combination of affable and dreary that makes him a stayer with zero chance of winning.
Rebecca, 23, a nursery nurse. A fat, Vicky Pollard clone who reminds you of last year’s Laura. The first, and least welcome, of the girls to expose her breasticles, Rebecca has a distressing condition known as Nadia arse where she wears thongs despite having the buttocks of a man. The condition is non-fatal but means she may as well be dead.
"An albino former gangster from St Louis who now lives in London, Darnell’s main ambition is to wrestle the title of Whitest Black Man on the Planet from Aerial Telly."
Darnell, 26, an albino former gangster from St Louis who now lives in London, Darnell’s main ambition is to wrestle the title of Whitest Black Man on the Planet from Aerial Telly.
Jennifer, 22, part-time model, is a loving single mum who has apparently abandoned her child for fame. This self-professed Catholic bad girl is anti-fox hunting, anti-abortion, anti-smoking, and anti-fur. Let the party begin…
"Sylvia came to the UK aged 11 when civil war broke out in her native Sierra Leone. Reports that she started it are almost definitely true."
Kathreya, 30, is a fat Buddhist Thai massage therapist. From Thailand. 5 foot 4 and 400 stone, Kathreya made an immediate impact as the early favourite. Whether she maintains this early form depends upon exactly how annoying screeching and giggling becomes. What do you reckon?
Sylvia, 21, is a devious double-dealing shitbag inside the house who came to the UK aged 11 when civil war broke out in her native Sierra Leone. Reports that she started it are almost definitely true.
That’s your lot. I’m off to watch the football. Peace.
The best thing about it: The betting opportunities.
The worst thing about it: Same scenarios played out every year.
The verdict on Big Brother 2008: In gradual decline.
Marks out of 10: 6