The Aerial Telly Awards 2005
All Channels, like, EVERYWHERE
The stars came out in force for the annual Aerial Telly Awards this weekend. The seven categories are fought over like two slags fighting over a man outside a nightclub. But each category can only have one winner – a winner who goes on to universal acclaim and adoration.
Unless it’s one of the ‘Worst Of’ categories, in which case they can barely get arrested. A critical beatdown by Aerial Telly is a one-way ticket to Shmucksville, Illinois and there ain’t no coming back from there.
So here they are then: the endorsements and bitch slaps that will define television for the coming months and beyond.
Best programme: Deadwood HBO
As close to perfect as television gets, Deadwood retold the frontier myths in spellbinding fashion dealing with death, brutality and love with honesty, depth and insight. Ian McShane’s reinvention via his colossal performance as Al Swearengen was only half the story.
Worst programme: Carnivale HBO
There may have been technically worse shows around in 2004 but none slaughtered as much promise, led you up more blind alleys or chickened out of tough decisions like Carnivale. What started out as intriguingly surreal became suffocatingly lazy and pretentious drama which had a mystery at its heart you cared less and less about as the season wore on.
Best Performance (Male): Ian McShane as Al Swearengen, Deadwood
Having spent years as the wet dream of the blue rinses it would take a role of monumental proportions for Ian McShane to attain iconic status. He found it in Al Swearengen, Deadwood‘s very own heart of darkness – never has anybody lived and breathed a role so completely.
Best Performance (Female): Kristin Bell as Veronica Mars, Veronica Mars
While the rest of TV can’t see past sexually incontinent menopausal hags as feminine role models, UPN of all people came up with this treasure – a noir tinged teenage detective drama crackling with energy, style and wit that was smart as a whip. Kristin Bell finds exactly the right balance between tough and vulnerable for the wisecracking social outcast cum private eye Veronica Mars.
Tv Event Of The Year: Fight Night in Big Brother 5
Derided by critics and criticised by fools, Big Brother remains the gold standard of reality television. It’s a less passive, more demanding form of television which proves that interactivity isn’t just a meaningless buzzword.
Say what you like about costume drama, documentary and ‘proper’ television, the defining TV moment of the summer was Jason shouting "ya wee baldy bastard!!!" at Marco while the world’s least feminine transsexual tipped over a table in Marco’s defence.
Most Pointless Plot Line In A Soap Opera: The return of Den Watts, EastEnders
Not one to let being shot dead slow him down, Dennis Watts returned to Albert Square older, wiser and distinctly more leathery. He proceeded to sleep with half the female cast, before insulting them while masturbating in front of a stranger on a webcam then tirelessly scheme to stop his son and daughter marrying each other.
Confused? Not half as much as the EastEnders storyliners who came up with this spectacularly misjudged gambit.
Best Plot Line In A Soap Opera: Mad Maya Monday, Coronation Street
Coronation Street‘s own corner shop magnate Dev Allahan had it all – money, looks and a big-nosed wife. What could possibly spoil it – apart from an insane solicitor ex fiancee co-ordinating a bombing campaign on all seven of his shops that would make Bin Laden himself blush. Played with customary relish by the suitably bonkers looking Sasha Behar, Maya was as tenacious and indestructible as any supervillain should be.
A return cannot be ruled out – here’s hoping she becomes the Sideshow Bob of the Street.
