I had suicide at 6-4
It was a busy Friday night for Aerial Telly. It was the night of the Big Brother Final and he had a review to write. As he tapped away on his laptop while a lovely half-black half-Vietnamese piece of pie gave him head under the covers he reflected on what a magnificent success story his life was. Being blown for three solid hours by the kind of girl for whom most men would gouge out their own eyes just to spend three minutes with, being an in-demand and much-loved writer and social commentator, being a retired and undefeated world-class boxer, being an evolved spiritual being and philanthropist and also a world-class gambler. As Ping-Pong worked his balls with her tongue he compared his life with that of his bookmaker – on the run, turning tricks in dark alleys, living off leftover food and rainwater, exhibiting signs of schizophrenia. He knew he was at risk and sensed what was coming. Yet again Aerial Telly had made the correct call on Big Brother. Does this boy ever lose?
As Ping-Pong worked his balls with her tongue he compared his life with that of his bookmaker – on the run, turning tricks in dark alleys, living off leftover food and rainwater, exhibiting signs of schizophrenia.
It was just after Davina announced Brian as winner that he received the call. His bookmaker was dead. The chump died from blood poisoning after feasting on a dead rat he thought was a leftover kebab. Aerial Telly is a very classy guy and took the news in his stride. “Will the cunt still be paying out?” he asked his contact.
Aerial Telly is a very classy guy and took the news in his stride. ‘Will the cunt still be paying out?’ he asked.
“Yes he will.” came the response “But you have bankrupted his business, left his wife and child homeless and evicted his mother from the nursing home”.
“Excellent” said Aerial Telly and put down the phone to resume his TV reviewing.
“Good news baby?” asked Ping-Pong, briefly coming up for air.
“Yes, dear. I’ve just won a gigantic sum of money from a dead loser”
“Oooh, exciting. Would you like me to lick your asshole, now?”
He knows that for many of them this will be the first time they’ve won at anything in their lives and he thinks it’s important for ‘people’ to experience that feeling at least once.
“Yes. Yes, I would”.
Other people doubted that Aerial Telly could pull off this remarkable coup. The twins had a huge poll lead and Brian had been written off. But Aerial Telly simply knew that the producers would get the winner they wanted and he simply knew that he would be proved right yet again. He doesn’t have to share these nuggets of gold with his many many readers. He doesn’t need to make money for them with his sure-fire winners. But he does it anyway. He knows that for many of them this will be the first time they’ve won at anything in their lives and he thinks it’s important for “people” to experience that feeling at least once.
The funeral takes place on Wednesday. Aerial Telly will be in attendance. There’s a 19 year-old niece of the deceased who will be there wearing black underwear beneath her dress. Aerial Telly sees no reason why some good should not come from this tragedy.
There is always an upside.