Channel 4
You’ll remember last year’s Utopia. A group of committed scientists, businessmen and politicians try to get population under control and have their plans foiled by devious comic book bores. It was a harem scarem ride right enough but how exactly did it all start? That’s the question series two’s first episode aims to answer.
In 1974 Young Einstein cosplay enthusiast Philip Carvel (Tom Burke) meets what Gemma from Sons of Anarchy would call “that ginger gash” Milner (Rose Leslie) the security skank and instantly there’s chemistry. Specifically the biochemistry that will wipe out 95% of humanity to allow the rest of us adequate Lebensraum. “But we’re not like the Nazis” they keep reminding each other. No, the Nazis had much better uniforms.
Milner represents The Network and she bids Philip work on Anus – the protein that will radically curtail the human problem on the planet. He throws himself headlong into the work but at home things are tense between him and his foreign wife Plopska. Baby Arby looks and acts like a fucking tard and the missus suspects Philip is conducting unimaginably cruel experiments on him. That’s only true in the sense that it is factually correct. He injects Arby with Anus, stuffs him with chocolate raisins and entertains him by decapitating rabbits but you can’t get a rise out of the dopey little fuck because this kid’s as dumb as a box of rocks. Fortunately Jessica is born – a much better prospect – and even better she kills her mother in childbirth so we don’t have to listen to her for any longer than is strictly necessary.
The pressure is on for Philip though because this Milner gash is a real fucking taskmaster. She drowns husbland Tom in the bathtub for pissing her off much like Al Swearengen did with Jimmy the dope fiend in Deadwood and when Philip starts stalling on delivering Anus it’s a trip to 3 Mile Island where it’s all torture this, torture that and “GIVE ME ANUS!” bellowed in that “you know nothing, Jon Snow” accent.
When Philip starts stalling on delivering Anus it’s a trip to 3 Mile Island where it’s all torture this, torture that and “GIVE ME ANUS!” bellowed in that “you know nothing, Jon Snow” accent.
It’s enough to drive Philip insane which is exactly what it does once he’s rescued by that Christos dude who takes Jessica off to train her in the arts of Wung Fu, cartography and Aspie 101 for her future life on the run. Milner’s so pissed about it she blows up Airey Neave and he wasn’t even into comics or anything.
Not anyone gives a shit but Philip left Retard Boy behind on 3 Mile Island to get his brain fucked even further by radiation. Real bang up parenting job, Phil. Your comic sucks balls as well.
They’ll be back to the present day in the next episode. Sterilising this mob looks like a pretty solid plan, to be fair.
The verdict: Disappointing lack of Jimmy Savile in the flashback.
Marks out of 10: 7.5