The Spy Who Stole My Life
Channel 5
Taking responsibility for your own actions is a theme of Aerial Telly. Not in a Pat Buchanan abolish-all-welfare kind of way but in a straight-talking Not Being A Turd kind of way. Be it a whingeing porno person, a greedy fat fuck or the wife of a disgraced Tory peer, we’re on some keep it real and free the masses shit
Aerial Telly is here to elevate and inform.
"The grim roll-call of victims was read… Possibly the dumbest shower of fucknuts in British legal history."
And you thought it was just a devastatingly acute television review site? How wrong you were.
The Spy Who Stole My Life goes a long way to defining Aerial Telly’s position on personal responsibility an ting.
It told the remarkable story of how barman Robert Freegard first befriended two women and one man, three agriculture students of the Harper Adams Agricultural College in Edgmond. He would quickly tell them that he was an undercover MI5 agent, persuade them to part with their money, tell them the IRA wanted them dead, move them around the country, subject them to hilarious loyalty tests, seduce the women and generally piss them about for 10 years.
The grim roll-call of victims was read: Kimberly Adams, John Atkinson, Maria Hendy, Caroline Cowper, Renata Kister,Elizabeth Richardson, Sarah Smith and Simon Young. Possibly the dumbest shower of fucknuts in British legal history.
Sarah Smith, main interviewee and Freegard’s long-time collaborator (or victim if you prefer) is a moron. No amount of dishonest flim-flamanipulation and talk of cult leader techniques can avoid this conclusion.
"Well, of course I was sceptical." No you weren’t. You were a moron. "What he said was plausible." No it wasn’t. You utter turd.
"Hadn’t it ever occurred to you that the IRA don’t ever pursue English agriculture students around the country? Like, ever? Not even in bad ITV dramas?"
Channel 5 briefly tried to spin the idea that the IRA claims were plausible because there was a lame ass mainland bombing campaign by the Provos at the time. Plausible to imbeciles, perhaps.
Let me ask you something, Sarah, John and the rest of The Muppet Show on the off-chance that you ever read this. Hadn’t it ever occurred to you that the IRA don’t ever pursue English agriculture students around the country? Like, ever? Not even in bad ITV dramas?
Meanwhile, Freegard was devising "loyalty tests" for Atkinson like punching him hard in the face. And Atkinson took it because he’s deeply, desperately stupid.
Like some malevolent Derren Brown, Freegard enjoyed an unwieldly amount of control over these muppets. Naturally, all the women eventually ended up having sex with him. That wasn’t their own choice, of course, because they enjoyed the sex or anything. That would involve admitting their own complicity in this farce.
We were told how Freegard "made Sarah cut her hair". No he didn’t. She made herself. She is a moron, remember? .
"’It’s easy to say someone else is stupid.’ Yes! Because you fucking well were and fucking well are."
Then that he "forced Sarah to pawn jewellery". No he didn’t. She made herself. She is a turd remember?
Eventually, the interviewer gave into temptation and asked "Weren’t you just a little bit stupid?" Sarah replied "It’s easy to say someone else is stupid." Yes! Because you fucking well were and fucking well are.
It’s no surprise that the semi-literate Freegard preyed on well-off farmers’ kids. We all know that farmers are plankton and so are their cretinous offspring. Farmers live isolated from society so, far from having timeless wisdom, it’s clear that they simply don’t have enough knowledge of the world to function correctly in it.
That’s why they’re gypsy killing racists. But that doesn’t make them bad people.
"a not particularly high-functioning sociopath out-thought and terrorised the mewling cabbages that the farmers spawned and expensively educated for 10 years. "
Oh wait. Yes, it does.
But the bottom line is that a not particularly high-functioning sociopath out-thought and terrorised the mewling cabbages that the farmers spawned and expensively educated for 10 years. If that doesn’t say something about the benefits of living in a city, then I don’t know what does.
The details of Freegard’s machinations become more and more hysterical. He told his victims his "superiors" had given them cash targets – amounts of money they should raise for, um, the cause. "Which is in some ways plausible" one of the cabbages earnestly tells the camera. No it isn’t, cabbage. You are a moron.
And raise the money they did, like good little sales staff. Hundreds of thousands of pounds, scrounged off their parents with various lame excuses. They seemed to be anticipating our sympathy – exhibiting the same blank-eyed emotional autism that has become their signature in life.
You’ve got got to feel sorry for Freegard, getting a life sentence for telling a few fibs to gullible nitwits. He showed great commitment to his work – nobody else would be spending 10 years with these clueless farmer spawn after all.
"I think everybody involved has learnt an important lesson – Freegard that you can take a lie too far, his victims that they are deeply stupid cunts who serve no purpose on this planet."
I can’t help thinking that he should receive some kind of award for this care in the community work. I think everybody involved has learnt an important lesson – Freegard that you can take a lie too far, his victims that they are deeply stupid cunts who serve no purpose on this planet.
Why do we always have to play the blame game? Freegard certainly worked hard for his money – more than the lackbrains he tormented ever did. Raised by a single mother in a council house in Worksop, since he was very young he always wanted to be famous.
And I guess worldwide press coverage and a Channel 5 documentary all about you just about fulfils that.
You gotta live the dream, right?
The best thing about it: The increasingly bizarre loyalty tests
The worst thing about it: The witless drizzling of the victims
The verdict on The Spy Who Stole My Life: Missing the point has never been so enjoyable.
Marks out of 10: 8