Channel 5
Let ME remind YOU of a few things you seem to have forgotten. I didn’t kill Terry. You’ve lost your leverage with Lem. And your ex-wife’s pussy tastes like sweet butter. And that is exactly what I said to Lieutenant Jon Kavanaugh when he tried to take down my strike team. Well alright, it wasn’t me – it was Vic Mackey. But it wouldn’t be the first time he’d stolen one of my lines and there can’t be any doubt that Gina Torres‘ pussy tastes like sweet butter. The thing is though that, much as he protests that he NEVER DONE IT he ~did~ kill Terry, he ~did~ hit the Armenian money train and he ~has~ been skimming off the streets for some time. Five screen the final episode of season five tonight. Payback is a mother and it’s about to fuck them all.
“Let ME remind YOU of a few things you seem to have forgotten. I didn’t kill Terry. You’ve lost your leverage with Lem. And your ex-wife’s pussy tastes like sweet butter.”
Season five of The Shield has had a sense of foreboding about it since it first got out of the blocks. With Lem facing a heroin charge and being pressured to turn on his buddies, the chokehold Jon Kavanaugh had on Vic and the boys grew inexorably tighter and forced them into increasingly desperate actions to cover their asses. Vic has done a commendable job in protecting himself and his crew from prosecution but it should be pointed out that it’s usually his ideas that get them in the worst trouble in the first place. He’s been man enough to admit this in season five and there has been a storylining ethic throughout The Shield’s run that the evil that men do comes back to bite them in the ass.
“Like all families it has its thick member (Shane), its nice guy (Lem), its black guy who was part of the family for a while until everybody remembered they don’t like darkies (Tavon).”
Vic always insisted that the strike team was a family and he’s dead right. Like all families it has its thick member (Shane), its nice guy (Lem), its black guy who was part of the family for a while until everybody remembered they don’t like darkies (Tavon) and its nondescript guy who nobody ever really paid attention to (Ronnie). Actor David Snell is so anonymous he doesn’t even have a photo on IMDb . He can’t get recognised in his own home. I’ve been watching The Shield for five seasons and still couldn’t tell you the first thing about Ronnie and I’m not the only one. Frustrated scriptwriters even tried burning half his face off in season two but all he did was grow a beard and come back twice as boring as before. Kavanaugh himself can hardly be bothered to mention him – you know things are bad when stalker boy isn’t giving you the love.
“It’s no wonder his sweet butter pussied ex-wife Gina Torres’ has been reduced to fucking herself with a bottle in an attempt to fake a sexual assault on herself.”
And what a weird, horrible shitbag Jon Kavanaugh is. It’s no wonder his sweet butter pussied ex-wife Gina Torres’ has been reduced to fucking herself with a bottle in an attempt to fake a sexual assault on herself. The marriage was clearly one of those unhealthy co-dependent relationships that Jeremy Kyle spends his time dissecting. She gave up the nappy dug-out to Vic practically the moment he walked in the door so you just know that she wasn’t getting fucked right. I can guarantee you that no woman Aerial Telly has been with ever needed to resort to the tomato ketchup bottle trick she pulled.
“Lem tells Shane he’s decided to give himself up and that he’d rather be eating hairy man ass crack in Attica than dicey enchiladas in Cholotown MeHIco.”
Having reduced the leverage that Kavanaugh holds after striking a deal with the DA, Lem starts to have second thoughts about his plea-bargain. He doesn’t fancy eating hairy man ass crack for 18 months so the boys hatch a plan to get him across the Mexican border. This is no easy task as they are being tailed to stop just this scenario. With Lem on the run, our heroes trying to hook up with him without attracting suspicion and Kavanaugh and Aceveda trying to nail Vic for harbouring a fugitive it all makes for a breathless climax.
Shane eventually tracks down Lem for a night-time tête-à-tête as Vic and That Other Guy can’t shake their IAD tails. Lem tells Shane he’s decided to give himself up and that he’d rather be eating hairy man ass crack in Attica than dicey enchiladas in Cholotown MeHIco. Shane tries to persuade him that Mexico isn’t all that bad by throwing a grenade into his car and killing him. A tearful Shane explains to the dying Lem that it’s best for all concerned if he gets his bollocks blown off and Shane gets away with murder (again). Lem doesn’t dignify this with a response, partly because his tongue has been blown to the other side of the freeway, and deals with it in the only way he can by closing his eyes and fading into the long sleep. Vic eventually catches up with the scene and tells Shane that he’ll kill whoever did this. At last, Shane finally has someone more terrifying than his wife to worry about.
“Shane tries to persuade him that Mexico isn’t all that bad by throwing a grenade into his car and killing him.”
This has been the best season yet of The Shield and with world’s biggest dumbass Shane trying to cover the evidence trail of Lem’s murder leading back to him it should provide us with many a close call, belly-laugh and improbable contrivance. All of this is good news. The Shield continues to mature with each season while retaining the visceral thrill of cops on the frontline that made it the must-watch show it is in the first place. Season six can’t come quickly enough.
The best thing about it: It keeps on getting better.
The worst thing about it: Kavanaugh, the big turd.
The verdict on The Shield – Season Five Finale: Always comes correct.
Marks out of 10: 8