Netflix
Hurricane Wanda’s symbolic wrath has struck and the prison’s getting flooded AND NOT JUST WITH WATER. But mainly with water. Joel, Nicky and Chapman go down to the basement and discover vital pumps with empty fuel tanks. That’s the thing about embezzlement. It’s all fun and games until a natural disaster strikes and then you’re as fucked as a girlfriend of Oscar Pistorius who announces “Yeah that’s right, Stumpy – I sucked his cock. I sucked ALL their cocks – every one of them! I’m off to the bathroom to take a piss before I leave you for a real man with real legs”.
Red calls a meeting with Vee to explain that whole assassination attempt business. Vee announces she’s taking the whole tunnel for herself and threatens Red’s moron son with the kind of head trauma that might increase his IQ by as much as 50 points. Naturally Red doesn’t like the sound of this and a fractious meeting ends with the pair even more at loggerheads than before. Flood Alert. Flooding is possible. Be prepared.
In the land of the disenfranchised black woman Poussey is pissed in both the drunk and angry senses and she ransacks Vee’s tobacco stash. Flood Warning. Flooding is expected. Immediate action required. Vee’s immediate action is to kick Taystee out of the gang and Taystee is so mad you would imagine somebody had grabbed her KFC Mighty Bucket right out of her mitts and thrown it off a cliff. She’s even getting cold shouldered by Watson and Other Tub – an indignity too terrible to be borne.
As luck would have it though guards send Tayst and Pous to retrieve some books from the flooding library. A great chance to reconnect. A play wrestle, a girly cry and a hug later and they are pals again. But wait, what’s that on the horizon?
Vee flashback! A menopausal Vee gives kickbacks to a local cop who tips her off to help her avoid arrest. The cop lets her know that RJ is looking to set up business by himself and always one to discourage initiative in the young she fucks him and kills him in the time-honoured manner. Jake One ft. MF Doom – Trap Door plays as RJ is fucked figuratively and literally so I suppose we should have seen this one coming.
RJ is looking to set up business by himself and always one to discourage initiative in the young she fucks him and kills him in the time-honoured manner.
Chapman is still getting transferred and so is Ruiz the beaner with the baby and the psycho baller borefriend. Chapman uses the flood to rifle around Figueroa‘s files to dig up dirt on the embezzlement. When she runs into Caputo she shares her findings with him. This could be a good opportunity for him to fuck Figueroa like she fucked the entire prison board to get the gig. It’s not a great night for her as she clocks her husbland tonguing down his male assistant. But who really gives a fuck about Fig?
With the girls all herded into one area there is a real blitz spirit forming and Soso suggests a Cockney sing-along to Lisa Loeb and remarkably everyone goes with it. Daya starts to realise that her morbid obesity will one day kill her and launches into a full-fledged panic attack. Thankfully a kindly guard starts her on an exercise regime of jumping jacks and the first calories she has burnt off in years disappear off her gut and her baby’s chances of brain damage and infant death fall ever so slightly.
Red uses the confusion to strangle Vee with cling film. Exhausted by the struggle they both agree to live and let live, an agreement Vee breaks the next day by caving Red’s skull in with a lock in a sock. Severe Flood Warning. Severe flooding. Danger to life.
Well this could make the finale interesting.
The verdict: Mommy knows best.
Marks out of 10: 7.5