ABC
I don’t think I’ll ever come to terms with the hiatus concept the American networks love so much. Yanking your favourite shows away for months at a time and shouting "see you in the Fall!" out the window as they speed away in a waiting Pickford’s van, no doubt to spend their vacation getting blowjobs from exotic hookers and working the Vegas strip like the Rat Pack. With you standing there like a jerk mumbling "but we were getting along so well", left alone to contemplate the hiatus cliffhanger and the prospect of our screens being filled with horseshit like Catherine Tate and The Friday Night Project for weeks on end as you count down the days to the return of your faves. Is the idea that absence makes the heart grow fonder? Maybe it does but I don’t like being fucked with like that. How about if we all stop watching for a couple of months hiatus boy? Fancy busting your balls back on that daytime soap you were chewing scenery on before JJ Abrams dragged you out of obscurity when the ratings go through the floor?
"Fancy busting your balls back on that daytime soap you were chewing scenery on before JJ Abrams dragged you out of obscurity when the ratings go through the floor?"
Of course that will never happen. Lost knows that. The ratings leviathan is in as strong a position as any show on TV. It can fuck with us however it likes because it knows that we will come back regardless like the addicted strung-out bitches we are. Now that they’ve driven us to the edge of this particular cliff what more do we know of the Mystery of Craphole Island? Well, we know that Kate was married, Sawyer has a kid, Henry Gale‘s real name is Ben and he’s dying of a spinal tumour, which he hopes Jack will operate on, him being this big shot spinal surgeon and all. Lots of luck, fuckface. Kate, Sawyer and aforementioned Dr Shepherd are still being held captive by The Others.
“Sawyer has been breaking rocks in the hot sun with Kate who also fought the Law (and the Law won but got killed when Oceanic Flight 815 took a nosedive)”
The Doc gets to spend time indoors eating beefburgers prepared by the lovely Juliet but Sawyer has been breaking rocks in the hot sun with Kate who also fought the Law (and the Law won but got killed when Oceanic Flight 815 took a nosedive into Craphole Island). We’ve also learnt there are actually two islands, Craphole Island and nice Suburban Island where The Others carry out their experiments and hellish mindfuck in peace away from the prying eyes of planecrash survivors. Mr Eko, played by British actor Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje is killed by a combination of the Polar Bear and the Smoke Monster – a shame, as the drug-smuggling priest was a powerful figure among the Lost Boys. Still, we know that the black guy always gets offed first – Lost ain’t that subversive.
"I sure hope Penelope swings by. I think a dopey posh girl is exactly what we need on the island."
I guess we always knew that. The hiatus cliffhanger had Jack threatening to kill Ben on the operating table as he removed his spinal tumour unless Kate and Sawyer were freed. You may be wondering where the hell Michael and his son have got to in their boat. We haven’t seen them yet but Desmond assures us that all boats do in this part of the world is sail around in a big circle until they end up back on Craphole Island. And there’s a guy who knows something about sailing. He also appears to know something about precognition as he’s all psychic now, perhaps as a result of the hatch explosion and electromagnetic event that followed. Desmond’s old fiancée Penelope back in the real world seemed to have discovered his whereabouts in the season two finale. I sure hope she swings by. I think a dopey posh girl is exactly what we need on the island.
“Put Charlie alone in a room with the Smoke Monster for 60 minutes and you can make that shit pay-per-view – I’m there, motherfucker.”
But what we really need is answers. And yet, it’s the mystery that keeps us coming back. Lost is a complex tapestry of "what?", "no!" and "get outta here" with connections and clues spread throughout the series and the small archipelago of websites the producers create to further convolute the plot. Those guys just love complicating things. And that’s cool because I think season three is going great. The Others are visible now but still mysterious and there is a sense of the gloves coming off the good guys which I hope develops. And while I was sad to see Eko die at the hands of Smoky and the Bear I hope it sees an end to the pseudo-spiritual bullshit which plauged season two along with that little wanker Dominic Monaghan and the repulsive little shit he plays. The first six episodes have been mercifully light on Charlie I’m very happy to report. Put him alone in a room with the Smoke Monster for 60 minutes and you can make that shit pay-per-view – I’m there, motherfucker.
The best thing about it: Jack seizing the reins from The Others
The worst thing about it: The Hobbit
The verdict on Lost Season 3: half-term report : Keep up the good work, turds.
Marks out of 10: 8.5