BBC Two
Previously on Line of Duty: Keeley Hawes got boiled lobster claws and a mouthful of shit on lockdown. Now that Steve and Kate believe that Squealey never done it the time comes to turn a focus on the real villain: Mike Dryden. Squealey is convinced that Dryden was involved in a wider conspiracy and she should know – she was letting him put his cock in her for five years. That’s when you get to know a man. “We were fooking left, right and centre! Doooooh!” she tells Steve in the Bo Selecta Scary Spice voice, confusingly. “No need to go into detail, ma’am” his curt response. Squealey is suitably chastened.
She may be an inappropriate TMI home wrecking pervert but Squealey is no mug. Secret video recordings made by barbecued witness Tommy Hunter while in “protective” custody offer compelling evidence of the extent of Dryden’s incorrigible undercover scrotery. Steve is also on the case and he finds that it looks very much like a tracker was planted on one of the convoy vehicles. Well, that would go some way to explaining the ambush innit?
Still, it’s not all shits and giggles for Squealey. As she wipes the prison shit from her mouth with her boiled lobster claws she gets news that Mom Dukes is on the final of her nine lives in the nursing home after a massive stroke. But at last, AT LAST prison authorities give her a break and she gets special dispensation to visit the mother before she croaks. “Thanks guys.” she says “Look, I know we’ve had our differences what with the framing me for murder, the shit in my food and you boiling my hands but that’s a really nice gesture.”
I know we’ve had our differences what with the framing me for murder, the shit in my food and you boiling my hands but…
But she speaks too soon. Because in going to visit her mom Squealey has placed herself in more danger than a girlfriend of Oscar Pistorius who says “Hey stumpy – get those fucking fans in from the balcony. Crippled cocksucker.”
On the journey home two assailants in a Land Rover fuck the prison van over. Run Squealey, run! Turns out it’s two bent coppers from vice Manish Prasad – Carly’s borefriend and Jeremy Cole, trans-friendly slayer of skydiving Georgia. Squealey ends up in the boot of their car speeding away to yet another fresh hell. It’s been said before but it’s really not her year.
I’ll tell you this much, though. After going all that way to see her mother didn’t say a fucking thing. What an ignorant mumbling bitch. These people.
The verdict: Hotting up nicely.
Marks out of 10: 8.5