Decapitation can put a strain on any relationship, never mind one perpetually under siege from a shadowy transnational cabal known as The Company bent on your death and the domination of, well, everything. But this is Prison Break and if you thought finding his girlfriend’s severed head in a box was going to affect his relationship with Dr. Sara Tancredi then you don’t know Michael Scofield. Because yes, Sara is still alive. That whole head-in-a-box thing was a big hoax – she actually escaped from Gretchen and they faked the whole thing. And when Michael tracks Gretchen and Whistler to Los Angeles they are trying to obtain a spectacularly important data card called Scylla containing all kinds of Company secret business. With me so far?
“If you thought finding his girlfriend’s severed head in a box was going to affect his relationship with Dr. Sara Tancredi then you don’t know Michael Scofield.”
Agent Donald Self (Michael Rapaport) is a homeland security guy who does a deal with Michael and Lincoln: find Scylla and avoid shitloads of jail time. Mahone, Bellick and Sucre are also part of the crew having been apprehended visiting Sucre’s baby. While we’re having a reunion Why not get Haywire back given that death is no barrier to longevity any more?
“Well of course he doesn’t need a sedative, dummy. He has to keep his mind sharp because, you know, he’s Scofield and shit.”
Ah but it’s gert to see Sarah back. Sara Wayne Callies took time out to have a baby though you wouldn’t know it as she’s still an extremely slender beautiful slice of moneyed west-coast pie. Sarah is having flashbacks to being whipped by Gretchen causing her to smash up wooden pallets at the dockside like her name was Grant Mitchell. I’m sure she’ll be fine – something I can’t say about Michael as he’s having Royston Vasey style nosebleeds combined with weird headaches. Eep!
Michael also has his gigantic torso and sleeves tattoo removed because the make-up people were tired of putting it on every single day of shooting. “Are you sure you don’t want a sedative?” the surgeon says as he burns Michael’s skin to a crisp inch by inch in an agonising 12 hour operation. Well, of course he doesn’t, dummy. He has to keep his mind sharp because, you know, he’s Scofield and shit.
“Sara is there solely to suck Michael’s dick and I’m totally cool with that. Wings, Fleetwood Mac and Prefab Sprout were formed around such a premise.”
For some reason Bellick is along for the ride. We’d hate to break up the old team, right? As far as I can tell Sara is there solely to suck Michael’s dick and I’m totally cool with that. Wings, Fleetwood Mac and Prefab Sprout were formed around a similar premise. Agent Self also lands them with Roland, a hacker and identity thief, to handle the technical shit. He’s working off a jail sentence too. That’s one way to tackle the overcrowding crisis.
“Theodore Bagwell eats his dead friend and like a thousand baby rapists before him is on his way to Los Angeles”
Of course it wouldn’t be Prison Break without fan favourite T-Bag the Indestructible Paedophile. He has the codes that will allow them to break into the building holding the card. Unfortunately, T-Bag and his fat Mexican hombre Sancho are beaten-up, robbed and left for dead in the deserts by the Coyote couriers they hired. As any other industry, recruitment is always a problem.
After three days walking without food or water Sancho decides T-Bag is starting to look like something to eat but his attempt to kill the nonce finishes with him splitting in his head open on a rock. T-Bag decides that it’s an ill wind that blows no good and carves up his travel partner for wetback casserole. Tasty
Upon being rescued by two quad bike rough rider douchebags, Theodore begins to belch and gag
“When he’s not whacked out on drugs or trying to kill you Alexander Mahone is a very fine detective “
“Eat some bad Mexican?” they ask
“Something like that.”
Heh. And like a thousand one-handed baby rapists before him Theodore Bagwell is on his way to Los Angeles
“The company, run by General Baldy Wee Bastard have a unique corporate culture which means killing anybody who fucks up. A pity Somerfield don’t have this same ethic.”
The team trace the location of Scylla by focusing on a driver Mahone remembers working for the guy who handles its. Through a series of Sherlock Holmes type deductions (“he stands arms behind back at rest – than means he’s former military” and “The suit he’s wearing – you don’t get that on a driver’s salary” Mahone narrows the field from 10 million Californians to 50 cocksmokers and locates the driver. Fair play to him. When he’s not whacked out on drugs or trying to kill you, Alexander Mahone is a very fine detective
The company, run by General Baldy Wee Bastard have a unique corporate culture which means killing anybody who fucks up. A pity Somerfield don’t have this same ethic. Point me towards wrong aisle would you shitbird? Chuc-chuc KLABLAOOOW! Three-fifty-seven! Boom! I put his head out.
Oh look, it’s ridiculous but it’s still Prison Break and that means it’s still cool. The most recognisable fugitive on the planet Michael Scofield is still successfully disguised by a baseball cap. There will be twists, double crosses and fake outs but I’m still very much on the ride. Leave your common sense at the door. It’s Prison Break, fool.
The best thing about it: Sarah still has her head.
The worst thing about it: T-Bag still has his.
The verdict on Prison Break Season 4 Premiere: Good to be back.
Marks out of 10: 8
Imagined: 3rd September 2008