You could probably film Ukrainian every holer Mila Kunis underneath a bridge swigging from a diseased bottle of rotgut, grabbing her snatch and screaming “You want Jim Beam? I GOT YOUR JIM BEAM RIGHT HERE!” before puking on the cameraman, dropping her drawers to take a piss then collapsing face first into the sludge and still see a boost in sales. So you’ll forgive¹ FutureWorks if they haven’t really brought their A-game here.
“How will you make history?” Kunis challenges the viewer. We see the Beam family bravely put out a fire at one of their own distilleries in the 1800s, then enthusiastically shoot their fellow countrymen in the face to end slavery (or possibly to continue it – it’s not really made clear. But, you know, they’re from Kentucky). The Jim Beam website is inordinately proud of how both Union and Confederate troops would visit their distillery. It’s unclear how exactly that constitutes “fighting for what’s right”. How about lobbing the odd free crate of Bourbon to the Union, refusing to serve the slavers or poisoning their whiskey?Then we learn how they ran like little bitches during Prohibition. The Jim Beam special edition of Boardwalk Empire is a man in a suit saying “well, the law’s the law” before walking out and throwing himself under a bus.
Well those are the brand values established: cowardice and craven deference to authority. Fuck you, Jim Beam. I hope Suntory Holdings turn your entire operation into a J-Pop video.
¹ You’ll forgive because you are a gutless turd with about as much spine as a sea-urchin in a blender. Aerial Telly does not forgive. Never forgive, never forget, never for fun.