ITV 4
No one of consequence denies that James Corden is a turd of biblical proportions but there’s a chance that there may be reasons other than him that James Corden’s World Cup Live sucks harder than Gary Coleman on life-support. Screened on ITV after every evening live game the show is best thought of as a cross between Soccer AM and TFI Friday. Regulars include Abbey Clancy, the size 6 lingerie model best known for snorting shed loads of coke and dating Peter Crouch who she let put his cock in her because he’s a footballing millionaire who would be lucky to get tossed off by women looking like Ian Dowie in a dress if he wasn’t a Premier league hoofer a charismatic and handsome professional athlete. Clancy reads out e-mails and pretends to be enthusiastic about football like a trooper. It’s like she was born to do it or something.
Tedious features abound such as the Back the Beard campaign where pretend football fans send in photographs of themselves growing beards and not to shave until England get knocked out, like anybody gives a figgy pudding. . Its exactly kind of phoney baloney we’re-all-in-it-together drivel we got from Mars last time around. Hymen Cowell pops in to promote his World Cup single, boasting that it’s going to be played at half-time in the England dressing room. Well if that doesn’t get them motivated…
Lames Cordung will apparently be here forever and there’s nothing you or I can do about it. But by switching off in large enough numbers we can at least wrestle some control of the kind of vehicles they stick him in. Frank Skinner could probably pull this off, Danny Baker too but it would look very different. Anything that looks or sounds like it was written to include nonfootball fans should immediately get the dilznick.
The verdict: As impressive and convincing as England’s showing. You weren’t here before, you won’t be here after. GTFO, tourist slime.
Marks out of 10: 4