BBC Two
We begin back in the 8 years ago timeline and Ephra‘s pretend girl child “Judith” is getting his cock chopped off in a disgusting mediaeval ceremony that celebrates Woody Allen’s exoneration on kiddy fiddling, Ronnie Rosenthal’s career at Liverpool and the senseless killing of Christ. That nause Shlomo Zahary leads the celebrations. Mary and Joseph he’s annoying. In a show where everybody needs a slap he stands out as a walking invite to intifada.
Very happy to avoid the old bore Nessa flies over to the West Bank and meets her new translator Atika. “Shalom” she greets her. “¿Que?” comes the response. Nessa eyerolls. “Me: boss lady. You: ignorant Durka”. “I no understand.” says Atika “But welcome to the Best Wank” and off they trot arm-in-arm skipping down the YOLO brick road.
Back in the here and now Nessa gives a speech at the University faculty she had 56K modems installed in. The bitch is really milking her dubious philanthropist status. At least she doesn’t tell that fucking aliens in the Middle East joke, a joke which goes down about as well as the 70,000 megatons of explosives that will rain down on Gaza this week.
“What are computers?” she begins, channelling her sister-in-law Jen from The I.T. Crowd. “Seriously, I don’t know”. The students shuffle awkwardly. “Be curious!” she continues “Connect… Share.” sounding like a fucking Microsoft advert. When it comes to speeches Nessa bombs like the state of Israel – frequently, mercilessly and without warning. “Someone get this cunt out of here” comes the whisper from the wings and she is dragged out babbling about pixels, circuitry and the Commodore 64.
When it comes to speeches Nessa bombs like the state of Israel – frequently, mercilessly and without warning.
But the weird thing 8 years ago is that $1.5 million the Stein Group intended for a European languages block extension somehow wound up in Gaza. What Ephra knows is that the money secured the release of a captured Israeli soldier. Ephra knows this because he put the caper together with incumbent Secret Intelligence Service head dipshit Sir Christopher “call me Sir Christopher” Greiff.
Ephra’s brilliant Cash for Captives initiative hits a snag when Nessa charges into Gaza to sort out the mess and gets herself kidnapped. Well that wasn’t in the script, unless you mean the script for The Honourable Woman episode 4 in which case it clearly was in the script. Ephra certainly didn’t see it coming. It’s an ill wind though as the fiasco gives Julia Walsh leverage to kick Sir Christopher out and become head herself. So you know, there’s that.
It’s not going so great for Nessa though as Durka abductor Al-Zahid takes advantage of the captor-captive relationship to rape her like his name was Rapey Royce from Happy Valley. Atika backs her girl up though choking Al-Zahid out and flame grilling his face. Soon the air is thick with the stench of sizzling Durka flesh and the howling of opportunistic sex offender. No translation is needed which is a good job as Atika’s total shite at that.
When it all unravels it turns out Durkas aren’t pro-choice so Nessa has to bear her rapist’s child and I suppose we can assume it’s Hasbeen. Abduction really is in his genes. It’s not an ideal situation but he is their ticket out of there in a year’s time. The Durkas furiously Google to find out what an ‘antenatal’ is. “Fucking Ephra” Nessa mumbles under her breath.
She’s right. Fucking Ephra.
The verdict: Ephraim! I’m gonna live forever. No thanks to you, you terrorist dealing fuck.
Marks out of 10: 7