BBC One
When we left Happy Valley Catherine was sniffing the pavement and Ann was screaming indecipherable nonsense into a police radio – something about a guy in a cellar? The rozzers turn up but Rapey Royce has managed to slither away to another underground lair nearby. He’s got a face full of mace and a head of shattered dreams – blind as a cunt and Ashley won’t get him the hell out. Dopey Lewis will though as Royce promises to bung him a few quid for the kindness. I see nothing going wrong there. Still, Ann’s out now – a few cuts, rapes and bruises but essentially she’s FINE. Catherine’s seen better days though – notably all the days when she wasn’t beaten half to death – and is still in a critical condition. “The food’s shite in here and have you have you seen the curtains?” Ahahahaha! ¹ No, seriously she’s pretty fucked up. In the hinterland between life and death her daughter tries to drag her towards the light but she’s fucked if she’s going to spend eternity with a suicidal bitch like that and she comes the fuck round. Nicely dodged, Cath.
CID come around for a chat to Kevin and it’s clear they know what he’s been up to. He’s sweating like a girlfriend of Oscar Pistorius who’s just said “hey fuckface – hop over to the balcony and get those fans while I go for a piss”. Before he knows where he is he’s arrested for abduction and Ashley is not far behind him.
So it’s only a matter of time before they catch up with Lewis and Royce right? They are holed up in a shitbox with a scrote accomplice and they have a fab fun month together eating stale Cheerios, drinking cheap lager and watching daytime telly. Lewis even gets to hide inside the sofa when the cops come knocking. Tabloid reports of Royce being spotted in Spain are a little far wide of the mark but he’s certainly living La Vida Bloke-ah². Also doing some male bonding is Kevin who’s being bummed senseless in prison although his nausey wife is stopping her annoying visits so it’s not all bad news.
A month on and Catherine is down in the dumps. After her royal ass kicking she deserves a medal from the Queen and she gets one too. Not that she gives a shit. Depressed and traumatised she squats over her daughter’s grave like she’s about to take a dump and wonders if she made the right choice in not joining her. Rapey Ryan‘s being a right little cunt which isn’t helping.
That clever cocksucker Ashley gets bail after grassing up his drug overlords. A lifetime of witness protection awaits, constantly looking over his shoulder and receiving egg noodles and ketchup when he clearly asked for spaghetti with marinara sauce.
Over in the hideaway Lewis knifes Rapey Royce and it looks pretty bad. Mind, Lewis doesn’t look so hot himself – eyes glazed over, throat slashed open, dead like a cunt on the mattress. Royce figures his days are numbered and emotionally tells the scrote accomplice “I know It’s over”. And it never really began. But in his heart it was sooooo real. “I could have been someone me”. You are someone, Tommy: a soon-to-be dead rapist. He drinks a can of Asda booze which turns him into a lager sprinkler before choking the scrote accomplice to death. No one will miss the turd – he was genetic trash and with a bit of luck he got snuffed before he had a chance to breed.
So Royce is on the lam and will no doubt soon pick up Rapey Ryan to build a sexual assault dynasty. Understandably this won’t appeal to the few right-thinking folk left in Happy Valley and we can assume the finale will chronicle their concerted efforts to make such a happening unhappening. I want to go to there.
The verdict: I am the Lord of the dance settee.
Mark out of 10: 8
¹ Fuck you.
² Eat a dick daily.