BBC Three
A politico-religious zealot calling himself Julian arrives in Roarton to see for himself the “First Risen” or “Kieren” as his mom knows him. Hymen welcomes him warmly and they snuggle down together to watch a videotape of the Scouse Prophet – a Jigsaw from Saw voiced twat in a Halloween mask – who tells him that he must sacrifice the First Risen for the second resurrection to occur. Julian provides him with a shiv – a sacrificial carving knife (£6.99 from Argos) and bids him “make with the chop-chop”. What a choice for
Simon, who is split in two, a bit like Kieren soon will be.
It’s not been an easy life for Hymen. As we flashback to the Mengele experiments conducted on him in the treatment centre we see his struggle. The mad doctors strap him to a gurney and electrocute his shit brain for fun. As if that wasn’t bad enough his father rolls up to reveal that Hymen killed his mammy then put his cock in her mouth. Weird thing is he wasn’t even a zombie at the time. Oh Hymen, you rascal.
Hymen killed his mammy then put his cock in her mouth. Weird thing is he wasn’t even a zombie at the time.
Kieren’s dad is thinking of killing him and who can blame him? On the orders of Maxine the black racist he’s arrested for the GP surgery breakout which he never done but the parish council aren’t trying to hear that shit. They’re all about the confession. They threaten to send him to Norfolk which would put the shits up anyone. What should he do: confess and stay put with Hymen or take the Deutsche Reichsbahn train to East Anglia? He’s between a cock and a hard place.
Nausey Amy is still fitting like a bastard but that doesn’t stop her playing a round of crazy golf with Philip the council cocksucker. He gets a hole-in-one. By which I mean her vagina. Later she goes up on a hill, writes up a will and tells him to kill (her with a screwdriver before she goes rabid). This comes as a significant shock to him. Amy decides against dying when she gets wet – not because of him obviously. The prospect of Philip council cocksucker making any woman wet is about as remote as Hot Jem the tard getting tenure at Harvard. No it’s the rain she can feel through the hole in the tent – a clear indication that she is getting better.
The prospect of Philip council cocksucker making any woman wet is about as remote as Hot Jem the tard getting tenure at Harvard.
She crumples up the will that left her entire collection of shitty goth dresses to Kieren and goes home to get ineptly fucked by Philip. He decides against making the “would you like a screwdriver?” gag and under the circumstances that’s probably a good call.
Back at the Führerhauptquartiere Gary brings Racist Max the Scouse Saw video and she is given pause. B&B skank then shows her who the First Risen is on her wall chart. It looks a bit like Max wants to do some resurrecting as well so it looks like we’re all on the same page.
The verdict: Ooh stick you, your momma too (and your daddy).
Marks out of 10: 7