BBC Four
Previously on The Bridge: a group of committed idealists try to change the world by killing everyone in it. One person they can’t kill, however, is Laura. Having survived 304 previous assassination attempts this week she comes through again after police chase down the vehicle used in Claudiblow‘s murder and discover the Teflon Surfer Laura unconscious in the boot. The driver has done a runner, properly intimidated by Laura’s indestructibility. Her survival secret remains a mystery but the big picture is starting to become clearer. A clinical trial from 2002 included porny Karen and some of the other cadavers and you just know that that wasn’t on the level.
One Lennart Blomgren was research director at that time. He drowned mysteriously some years back and his body was never found. When the Feds visit his wife Helga she is squirrelly and once they leave she Skypes the old fuck immediately. He’s in Thailand and the Feds rumble them later. The upshot is Big Pharma, as ever, was up to no good.
Also uncovered is criminal genius Rasmus whose evidence tampering to cover his own arse becomes apparent when Saga force feeds him Danish pastries with hazelnuts, giving the lie to his bullshit hazelnut allergy alibi for his missing hours when he got maced and kicked in the balls. “You want Danish pastry? I’ve got some Danish pastry for you right here!” screams Saga grabbing her crotch, briefly forgetting that she’s Swedish. Rasmus is shitcanned, leaving the rest of us wonder exactly what his deal was.
“You want Danish pastry? I’ve got some Danish pastry for you right here!” screams Saga grabbing her crotch, briefly forgetting that she’s Swedish.
Back in Casa Incest the autobiography interviews are ongoing. Victoria tells Bodie that Oliver is the Fredo of the family – a complete fuck up from his head to his toes. Of course Oliver is listening in from his supervillain den across the road feeling really bad about her assessment. The mood quickly changes though when Victoria lezzes off with Bodie. Banging a chick is on her fuck it bucket list (so is singing with Sting disgustingly but we’ll let that one slide). Oliver can’t believe his luck – lezincest! Cancer cannabis lezincest!
For some unfathomable reason though he he gets angry with Bodie the next day and calls off the whole biography project. His wife Gertrud discovers his basement sex shrine to his sister and it’s safe to say that she’s not too chuffed about it. Every marriage has it secrets.
Martin knows that better than most. His unique self-medicated marriage therapy – visiting and tormenting his child’s killer by being extra nice to him – is producing some excellent results. He shows Jens his new project: the Truth Terrorist days – a retrospective. It’s a wonderful photographic memoir of all the people he killed. Jens isn’t sleeping well. He knows what he did. Martin smiles. Vengeance is his. He won’t visit again. And that very night he pounds that Mette pumpum into the grounds. Awesome.
Meanwhile we close in on our Mother of Three. The Mikkel Host forged pass card looks like it’s been used by Peeturd Thaulov, Medisonus’s security guy. When he has a secret meeting at the hotel where all the delegates for the summit are staying with Lithuanian delegate Rasa Duksa the cops are all over him. Disappointingly the two are merely there for sex – even worse, with each other. Why must the gays ruin everything?
But where homosexuality fails Teflon Laura succeeds. She returns from the afterlife and produces a perfect sketch drawing of the man who shot her. It’s only incesty Oliver! Seems like his sister isn’t the only thing he wants to fuck.
The verdict: I’m serious as cancer when I say Oliver is a chancer.
Marks out of 10: 8