Channel 4, E4
The television event of the year arrives tsunami-like on our TV shores and the following things are clear:
i) Davina looks hotter now than she did when she was 25
ii) Big Brother producers retain their unerring ability to shoot themselves in the foot.
iii) Big Brother owns all other reality TV shows particularly with the presence of Celebrity Love Island just one channel away.
First and exclusively here is Aerial Telly‘s guide to the runners and riders. May God have mercy on their souls.
Derek: He is the first and only black master of the foxhounds and thinks he could be first to be booted out “because I like to kill furry animals”. The unsavoury-to-say-the-least rumours about him circulating the Internet could be another reason.
Lesley: Enormous floppy-titted lunatic and proto fishwife, Lesley’s interests include drinking, smoking and wiping cum off her face in nightclub toilets.
Sam: Bisexual marketing student. She’s gorgeous! In the context of Big Brother bisexual means a drunken snog with a friend during a game of Truth or Dare three years previously but still… She’s gorgeous!
Maxwell: Nathan Barley lookalike and poor man’s Bubble and all-round loudmouth cockney turd. Spectacularly unfunny, and aggressive – manages to turn every argument into what he’d do in the pub with his mates having a lager. Sterilisation is an option.
Anthony: Rectangle headed Seventies dancer from Newcastle. Face like a stuffed snatch. Will go far.
Roberto: Granite-jawed Italian schoolteacher based in Liverpool. Boasts of being in the Parachute Regiment… The Italian version. A bit like being in the Gobi desert Ice Hockey team but still – he will fancy his chances if all contestants are thrown out of a plane.
Craig: Mullet-sporting turd who can’t even be homosexual properly. Will die alone in a big nappy masturbating furiously over photos of Gary Barlow.
Science: Half-starved incompetent, world’s worst rapper and inarticulate mumblefish. Comparisons with Victor are sacrilege. He wouldn’t last five minutes with the Slickman.
Kemal: Muslim male belly-dancer of Turkish descent. If he survives assassination attempts by Islamist extremists, he wins.
Vanessa: Bears an alarming resemblance to Hong Kong Phooey (“number one super guy…”). Has been so anonymous so far she is only identifiable through dental records but will come on strongly as the early evictions thin out the herd.
Makosi: A blaxploitation chick from Zimbabwe. Intelligent, beautiful and fiery she has absolutely no chance of winning.
Mary: A white witch caked in badly-applied foundation and blusher. Fond of patronising other housemates by rating their intelligence as if anybody gave a feck what this fool thought.
Saskia: “I’m quarter Sri Lankan so I can’t be a racist but I don’t like darkies” just about sums her up. Ridiculous tits.
It’s going to be a long summer.