Aerial Telly Awards 2006

Asking Aerial Telly to choose between his favourite TV shows is like asking him to choose between his children. But, as those of you with children know perfectly well, there’s always one you secretly like better. And there’s generally one runty little cunt who you never really loved who you have been secretly dying to get rid of. You "people" make me sick.

Nonetheless, it’s around that time of year when I commence with the back slapping and the bitch slapping in the only industry awards that mean a damn thing: it’s the Aerial Telly Awards 2006. Look! It’s Kelly Brook and Billy Zane – they can Fuck Right Off if they think they’re getting in.

"Fox River may be the only prison in America where nobody farts, swears or says nigga but you wouldn’t want to be spending much time there."

Best show: Prison Break (HBO)

It took our suspension of disbelief to levels that made us think 24 was cinéma vérité. We sweated, we shook, we howled – but it was all worth it. Because Lunk NEVER DONE IT and damn the conspiracy that keeps him on death row with his cereal box head and fat fingers. Fox River may be the only prison in America where nobody farts, swears or says nigga but you wouldn’t want to be spending much time there as being shanked, raped or mutilated is pretty much guaranteed. Prison Break‘s season finale did not disappoint and we wait breathlessly for September’s sophomore effort.

Worst show: Nigella (ITV)

A shadowy flight into the dangerous world of a woman who does not exist. Nigella Lawson – you may have heard of her. We miss the old Nigella Lawson (although with the size of her arse you couldn’t miss her from the moon) flirty, indulgent and homely. She was replaced by the Stepford wife of Charles Saatchi in a woozy, anaemic mixture of cookery and chat that made you feel like you were stuck in a menopausal housewife’s dream state

"The market was inelastic, Donette’s tits were plastic and the show was fantastic."

Best performance by a male: Idris Elba as Stringer Bell in HBO’s The Wire.

Continuing Hugh Laurie‘s fine work in counter cultural imperialism Hackney born Idris Elba delivered pitch perfect performances as the Barksdale crew drugs baron with ice in his veins, Stringer Bell. Aided by some classy writing Elba portayed Bell as the embodiment of the rational, cold hearted machinations of the drug trade. Stringer’s big question was "what happens when you have an inferior product in an aggressive market?". The market was inelastic, Donette‘s tits were plastic and the show was fantastic.

Best performance by a female: Jaime Pressly as Joy in NBC’s My Name Is Ear.

Comedic find of the year My Name Is Earl needed some grit in the feel-good oyster. Step forward sometime Playboy model Jaime Pressly as Earl’s ex-wife Joy playing demented bad cop to the collective good intention of the rest of the cast. Representing all that’s wrong with humanity, Pressly plays the role with an unholy glee that suggests a secret affinity with the avaricious loon. And remember: If you’re looking for reasonably priced manicures gentle enough for a woman and man enough for a half fruit. Call Joy’s Nails.

TV Pie of the Year: Jaime Murray as Stacey Munroe in Hustle

It might so easily have gone to panda eyed honey cunted goddess Tina O’Brien from Corrie. Few would have argued with Nadine Velazquez from My Name Is Earl. And fat arsed lupine Bingo from the Banana Splits looking motherfucking cockmonkey Billie Piper could so easily have stolen the day. But the horse faced sophistimacated con artist Jaime Murray won by a short head with a combination of posh frocks and knowing eyebrow raises that suggested that she was indeed pure filth. Stewards inquiry? Later for that shit.

"Flagcracking yam-yam sumo atrocity Ruthless Badger faced off against icy abused child Michelle Dewberry Pie."

Tv Event Of The Year: The Apprentice finale

Flagcracking yam-yam sumo atrocity Ruthless Badger faced off against icy abused child Michelle Dewberry Pie in a showdown many were already calling "the last episode in this particular series of The Apprentice". The weeks of clashing egos, mismanaged tasks and boardroom beatdowns cascaded into champagne and cancans on Tower Bridge. Badger clocked up the most ducats but the old shrewdie Sugar realised that staring at the Badger pie day-in day-out for three years would inevitably lead to suicide and chose the fairer form from the school of hard knocks. Meritocrats cried foul but suckers for a sob story from a pretty blonde girl recognised that he had made the right choice.

"That they actually ate raw meat to recreate the cannibalism was just a further insult to the memory of the dead who were soon sharing airtime with Adam Ricketts’ grievances about the media."

Worst premise: Alive: Back To The Andes (Channel 5)

Using celebrities to recreate a disaster that involve a plane crash, a mountain range and cannibalism was not something top of my list of Programmes That Need To Be Made (top of that particular list is Going Dyke with Michelle Dewsbury and Sophie Ellis-Bextor trivia fans). None of that stopped Channel 5 from this spectacularly misguided projectonly saved from total disaster by the real survivors’ harrowing testimony. That they actually ate raw meat to recreate the cannibalism was just a further insult to the memory of the dead who were soon sharing airtime with Adam Ricketts’ grievances about the media. Nobody deserves that.

Most Unjustly Culled Show: Bodies, BBC3

Life is unfair and TV is never less than an accurate reflection of life. Take Paul McCartney – about to get abandoned and taken for 40 squllion in the inevitable divorce by his lunatic wife. Yes. Paul McCartney – faithful and loyal to Linda for 30 years despite being the pretty one out of The Beatles (and therefore having the proverbial key to the pie shop whenever he damn well pleasee).

Then on the other hand there’s the serial womaniser, wife beating smackhead John Lennon. Whose dick do you think women were women trying to suck? Was it the loyal, prettier faithful Paul? Fuck out of here.

And Bodies doesn’t get a third series. Try ‘splaining that.