X-Factor 2007

ITV

 

Wow. The X Factor really has sucked some cock this year – quite likely the worst year on record and it’s not getting any better. The 12 finalists are the weakest mob yet to make it to the masochistic humiliation ritual that is the weekly live

show. There’s something contemptible about every one of them and finding stuff to like has not been easy. Max Headroom tribute act Rhydian has been an exception to this particular rule and is a worthy favourite going into the final furlong. His baritone reworkings of pop standards have made the show just about watchable where the rest of the acts have hit more bum notes than the Bluebells’ reunion tour.

“Rhydian’s baritone reworkings of pop standards have made the show just about watchable where the rest of the acts have hit more bum notes than the Bluebells reunion tour.”

Rhydian is the only logical and ethical winner of X Factor 2007. His nearest challenger is the horrendous Leon Jackson – this year’s answer to last year’s Eddie Munster look-alike runner up Ray – a vocally challenged Thunderbirds puppet dancing teenage boy apparently genetically engineered to get the granny vote. Old Bingo Wings The Dinner Lady is a superior singer but she keeps coming off as a fishwife every time she’s criticised. While Aerial Telly will happily fuck Hope one-by-one in a nine day rota until they all have his name tattooed on their asses he will reluctantly concede that hope is the one thing they don’t have on account of them having fuck all talent and one of them looking like Lurch from The Addams Family.

“Aerial Telly wants to fuck the sister while her brother watches with tears streaming down his face.”

The weird incest twins of Same Difference have disquieted many people. Not so Aerial Telly who finds them a refreshing breath of fresh air, particularly as he wants to fuck the sister donkey style in her cheerleader outfit while her brother whacks off in the corner with an orange jammed in his mouth with tears streaming down his face. It’s difficult to have an opinion on Beverley Trottman, 2007’s version of the fat black girl who gets to the final every year with absolutely balls all chance of winning. She’s no Brenda Davies that’s for sure but she’s still one of the better singers to make it to the final stage. Not that that counts for shit.

“Dannii Minogue’s only function seeming to be calling the black divas and telling Hope that their tuning is off (which Helen fucking Keller could do, frankly).”

As for the judges Sharon remains as loopy and erratic as ever, Louis seems perpetually on the verge of some emotional meltdown and Simon retains his world weary air of the only sane man in the asylum as he deals with the whooping hollering crowd and the squealing interrupting halfwits on the rest of the panel. Dannii Minogue has surpassed Sharon Osbourne as the most pointless member of the jury, her only purpose seeming to be calling the black girls divas and telling Hope that their tuning is off (which Helen fucking Keller could do, frankly). I really hope she fucks off after this series. As Louis delights in telling her she’s never really had much of a career and she is totally irrelevant.

“If they spent less time sucking scrote cock and more time perfecting their harmonies they might have a better chance “

I don’t know that there’s much intrinsically wrong with the format – it’s turned out the goods in the past. It may just be that the clichés are becoming too familiar for even the hardened fans to stomach. The sob stories are getting harder and harder to listen to with a straight face. Amazing how all these single mums in abusive relationships have dreams of a singing career. It’s just a suggestion but if they spent less time sucking scrote cock and more time perfecting their harmonies they might have a better chance of reaching their goal?

Here to help, motherfuckers.

The best thing about it: Rhydian – he may be a circus freak but that’s what this show is all about

The worst thing about it: Dannii Mongogue – pointless, drippy, insufferable.

The verdict on X-Factor 2007: OK but needs a revamp.

Marks out of 10: 7