Undercover Princesses

BBC Three

A sense of entitlement will fuck you up in life.  Lots of people are miserable when they could very easily be happy just by being read the reality check Riot Act and then told to STFU.  Nobody does that to princesses though, unless they are Undercover Princesses on your actual BBC Three. They’ve got three very different princesses from around the world to come and live together in Essex to find their life partners. "Where better to find love in just three weeks?" asks the voiceover.  Ah, I got nothing. 

"Next off the royal jetski is Princess Aaliya of Balasinor, a tubby Indian lass of the 35 whose family are desperate to get rid of the sponging tub of guts ensure their daughter’s matrimonial happiness"

So instead let’s say hi to our three lovelorn inbreds. Princess Xenia of Saxony is a well-known celebrity in Germany but then so was Goebbels.  A slim, halfway attractive and outgoing blonde, 23 year old Xenia hopes to annex a British man like "Hugh Grant, Sean Connery or Robbie Williams”.  I think she’s got every chance.  To seamlessly fit in with Essex life she changes her name to Gabriella.  Those Saxons are so efficient.

Next off the royal jetski is Princess Aaliya of Balasinor, a tubby Indian lass of 35 whose parents are desperate to get rid of the sponging tub of guts ensure their daughter’s matrimonial happiness (much like every other Indian family you know). To seamlessly fit in with Essex life she keeps her given name Aaliya. She’s never had so much as a date before so the gods have their work cut out getting her some ass.

"Buganda sounds like one of the made up African countries on 24 but it really exists. I begin to wonder: do they actually drink Um Bongo in the Congo?"

Princess Sheillah Nvannungi, meanwhile, is from Buganda in Uganda which sounds like one of the made up African countries on 24 but it really exists. I begin to wonder: do they actually drink Um Bongo in the Congo? Sheillah’s a big booty African with a face that could only politely be called passable.  To seamlessly fit in with Essex life she changes her name to Cinderella.  She’s a bit butch for that so we’ll call her Cinderfella. 

For such a non-conventionally attractive girl, Cinderfella has a very long list of what she requires in a man.  "Attractive, handsome, respectful, successful" Yeah, good luck with that Cinders "I don’t want a man who is too big" Oh you weren’t finished? "But not a man who is too skinny" Right, is that the lot? “Oh and no kids".  Which, by coincidence, is also her future.

"The cruel Western dating scene is no place for a cosseted Indian girl like her and she should have been married off to a toothless cousin years ago. You see no happy endings for her. Unless she’s accidentally cooked into a naan and has to eat her way out"

The three live in a real house and get real jobs. Cindefella waits tables in a shitty cafe, Aaliya sells sweaters to twats in Essex County Cricket Club‘s shop and Xenia gets a job sweeping up hair in a salon where she instantly cougars herself a date with junior stylist Elliot,19.  Already being sexually attractive is an advantage in the dating game.  You may have noticed this.

Herr Gabriella and Cinderfella go out for your famous British fish and chips leaving Aaliya to stay in with an Indian takeaway which is all kinds of ironic. As the heart attack inducing slop is served up,
Blondie asks Cinderfella what kind of men she actually does fancy. "You know Walcott?” she replies.  She is talking about Theo Walcott, Arsenal FC manchild.  Without knowing his particular taste in women I think it’s safe to say that when it comes to entitled NCA African princesses, homie don’t play that

Undercover Princesses is alright as these things go. Cinderfella looks likely to provide the laughs.  Xenia would pull pretty much anywhere and Aaliya is just way out of her depth and cries a lot.  The cruel Western dating scene is no place for a cosseted Indian girl like her and she should have been married off to a toothless cousin years ago.  You see no happy endings for her.  Unless she’s accidentally cooked into a naan and has to eat her way out.

The verdict on Undercover Princesses: Ridicule is nothing to be scared of. Dying alone in a cavernous palace, however…

Marks out of 10: 7

 

Imagined: Wednesday, March 10, 2010