Skins

Channel 4

Young people don’t count. They don’t matter. Nothing they say, do or feel is of any consequence. They are selfish, squealing scum of no significance. They contribute nothing to society yet feel they have the right to all of its benefits and suck it dry. There is a disproportionate amount of attention paid to their ideas which could not be more fatuous even if they tried really, really hard. And there’s a disproportionate amount of programming aimed at them, presumably because they’ve got nothing but time to watch aimless shite about their lives and how fucked they are. The latest effort, Skins, from the makers of Shameless, focuses on a group of adolescents in Bristol as each week they discover new things to moan about like the worthless shit heels they are.

"Young people are selfish, squealing scum of no significance. There is a disproportionate amount of attention paid to their ideas which could not be more fatuous even if they tried."

There’s Cassie (Hannah Murray), the space cadet anorexic with parents who are too busy shagging to notice their daughter’s psychic torment. Cassie is rather fond of Sid (Mike Bailey) – a speccy virgin nerd but he’s oblivious to her affection as he’s in love with Michelle (April Pearson), a decent looking brunette with no real distinguishing features other than a pretty decent rack and a willingness to appear in her bra and knickers. Naturally, she doesn’t reciprocate Sid’s love as she’s fucking Tony (Nicholas Hoult) – a vile smug twerp who passes for the alpha male of the group. Tony’s friend Chris (Joe Dempsie) is the senior 24 hour partying person but they all hold it down in that area.

“I’m fine with teachers fucking pupils as long as the teacher in question is a sexually attractive female.”

At school, psychology teacher Angie (Siwan Morris) has an unhealthily close relationship with Chris which appears likely to blossom into something physical – gratuitous shower scenes of Angie seem to be grooming us for this outcome, at any rate. I’m fine with teachers fucking pupils as long as the teacher in question is a sexually attractive female. (And as discussed at length on Black Pele, these little shits lucky enough to get fucked by the young probationary teacher who then run home and tell mummy about it should just be driven to the coast and dropped off a cliff). Early on, Sid gets into debt with a drug dealer in a fairly disposable nonsensical plot that, like much of the action, has a cartoonish feel to it. The shadow of Shameless looming large here.

"While you wouldn’t grow tired of stamping on Tony’s head in a hurry the characters are more or less identifiable as adolescent humans you once knew or once were."

I’m not really sure if Skins amounts to much but I do know I quite like it. I’d put it on the level of something like Teachers in that while it’s hardly unmissable it’s an enjoyable enough ride once you’re on it. And while you wouldn’t grow tired of stamping on Tony’s head in a hurry the characters are more or less identifiable as adolescent humans you once knew or once were. You remember – back when nothing you said or did meant a thing.

The best thing about it: Nice psychology teacher in the shower.

The worst thing about it: It’s fairly insubstantial

The verdict on Skins: Doing it for the kids.

Marks out of 10: 7