NBC
6 weeks into Siberia and of the 16 original contestants only 10 remain although that is still more people than are actually watching the show. We’ve had a fatality (Tommy), two eliminations (Berglind and Harpreet), two sprained vaginas (George and Natalie) and one mystical shroom drug freak out (Victoria). If you had as low expectations of the show as Aerial Telly then you may have been pleasantly surprised that it’s turned into a pretty exciting and intriguing drama, albeit a totally preposterous one.
Now that the shitbirds know that the game is no longer a game, the new game (the real game) is survival. It looks like the production crew were massacred by the giant monster in the woods so apart from the cameramen they’re on their own. “Keep filming!” the contestants demand “so we can sue their asses!” they continue “and so we have a record of the things that have happened!” thus brilliantly pre-empting the question audiences in recovered footage horror stories always ask “why are these jackasses still filming this?”
“Keep filming!” the contestants demand “so we can sue their asses!” thus brilliantly pre-empting the question audiences in recovered footage horror stories always ask “why are these jackasses still filming this?”
To get some clues as to what the eff is going on Sam reads from Miljan‘s diary and learns of a tribe of Valleymen who sound like the kind of people you wouldn’t want to play with. With the base camp radio signal being jammed some argue that a GTFO strategy should be employed toot sweet but who knows what they’d be walking into? Instead they settle on building a giant signal fire, hoping that someone somewhere will see their SOS. It takes forever but finally they’re ready. Johnny lights it but immediately Sabina quite literally pours cold water on the idea by pouring cold water on the fire quite literally extinguishing it along with their hopes of toasted marshmallows, ging gang goolie songs and rescue. WHAT ON EARTH??
Sabina quite literally pours cold water on the idea by pouring cold water on the fire quite literally extinguishing it with their hopes of toasted marshmallows and rescue.
Look you non-military fools, she tells them, whoever did the killing to the producers and set the trap for Irene will be looking for them and a big giant fire saying “here we are” might not be such a good idea. Well thanks for that Sabina but don’t you think you could have shared that with us before we spent hours building the fucking thing? Also, I think it’s really obvious that the Valleymen or whoever know perfectly well where the cuntestants are. They left a giant spear in the camp with a message telling them to piss off. They killed and ate Tommy. This is the North, son, they do what they want and a big campfire is going to make naff all difference to them.
Well thanks for that Sabina but don’t you think you could have shared that with us before we spent hours building the fucking thing?
Back in the women’s hut things are equally grim. It was very unfortunate that Irene got her leg skewered by the mantrap in the woods and is now probably going to die from the infection. Unfortunate for Irene but perhaps even more unfortunate for Daniel who seems likely to lose the one chance in this life he’ll have to get laid. For a man who ran off to leave the one girlfriend he previously had to get stabbed to death Daniel has been very gallant around Irene. That he may very well end up sawing off her infected leg and inserting her bleeding stump into his anus does not appear to have occurred to anyone in the camp although the way he looks at her the penny will probably drop with Irene pretty soon.
That he may very well end up sawing off her infected leg and inserting her bleeding stump into his anus does not appear to have occurred to anyone in the camp although the way he looks at her the penny will probably drop with Irene pretty soon.
It’s obvious that Daniel is a sick piece of shit who left one girlfriend to die and craves deranged amputee sex with his current crush so it’s a lucky break that it’s he who witnesses the strange light on a big pole in the distance. In a rare and frankly baffling show of testosterone Daniel leads the expedition to the light. I’ll give him this much – he’s a master at moving in the opposite direction from a dying woman. When they get there they can’t believe their eyes: it’s fairly poor CGI that looks very much like the aftermath of the Tunguska event.
In a rare and frankly baffling show of testosterone Daniel leads the expedition to the light. I’ll give him this much – he’s a master at moving in the opposite direction from a dying woman.
Whatever next? Well whatever happens we can be pretty certain it doesn’t involve a second series for Siberia. This show has fewer watchers than Daniel has sexual partners which is a shame because as recovered footage mockumentaries go it’s way better than The River. The attempt to meld Blair Witch with I’m A Celebrity is a bold one and has produced some pretty decent drama and offered quite a sharp critique of this particular brand of reality TV.
Reality TV contestants alone and afraid in an inhospitable wilderness stalked by a nameless and vicious predator is exactly the feelgood tonic we need after Run, Southcliffe and The Mill put the entire nation on suicide watch. Happy days are here again.
The verdict: Daniel Snowedunder
Marks out of 10: 7.5