The idea of dropping reality TV show contestants into an Arctic wilderness and letting them fend for themselves is an appealing one. It’ll never happen of course but what has happened is Siberia – a drama about it happening. 16 contestants battle it out in the Siberian tundra to be the last man standing and win the $500,000 prize money. The shitbirds are in Tunguska, location of the famous Tunguska event that has intrigued scientists, authors and idiots for about a century. It was a comet airburst, with the power of 1000 Hiroshimas. New Age savages think it has mystical significance. As the contestants are lowered down into the wildlands you have to wonder: just what is in those remote Siberian woods?
Nothing good my friends. The shitbirds argue over bunks in the cabins. Hunger and fatigue stalk them like Princess Diana stalking a married tycoon with 300 minutes still left on her O2 contract. They hear mysterious animal screams at night. It’s Lost meets Lord of the Flies.
The shitbirds argue over bunks in the cabins. Hunger and fatigue stalk them like Princess Diana stalking a married tycoon.
It’s not all bad though. Hippy eco-piece of shit Tommy (Tommy Mountain) seems a good guy. When geek-looking fuck Daniel (Daniel Sutton) suffers a sprained vagina on the first task Tommy stays behind to help him out, risking elimination himself. They both end up making it through though. Maybe good deeds are rewarded in this life in general and on this show in particular?
Or maybe not because while out picking mushrooms Tommy ends up being eaten by a giant monster we don’t see. The show host solemnly informs the contestants of a fatal accident involving Tommy and they are suitably stunned. Berglind, foxy Icelandic journalist and Harpreet (Harpreet Turka) dopey American student have already been eliminated by losing the first task, George (George Dickson) an accountant teed drops out crazy shook from the fatality and Tommy’s been eaten. 12 shitbirds remain. You’ll notice that the characters are named after the actors. It’s all so meta and they are playing with us, the rascals!
There’s something ancient and terrible in those woods and I’m not talking about Tommy’s decomposing testicles.
It’s a somewhat decent premise, somewhat reasonably handled. The reality template has infected TV to the extent that they now make scripted dramas about reality TV shows and that was always inevitable. I suppose we can expect new faces, secret rooms, ejected contestants to return and other reality TV standards like nano-celebrities eating dead kangaroo balls. I’m not really sure about the giant shitbird eating monster lurking forever just out of shot. But there’s something ancient and terrible in those woods and I’m not talking about Tommy’s decomposing testicles.
The verdict: Who goes? YOU decide (if you happen to be the showrunner).
Marks out of 10: 6