On this week’s Reign the French royals are marrying off two 7-year-olds Charles and Madeleine. It’s just adorable. And yet when Jimmy Savile tried something very similar he was castigated for it. Anyhow upon transporting Charles to his new piece of ass they happen upon the English who are helping Madeleine arrive. Simon Westbrook is the English envoy and he has a few words for Mary Stuart. Did she like the porridge at the convent? You know – the stuff the English poisoned? Why, if Mary didn’t know better she’d swear he was here to intimidate her into returning to Scotland and submitting to the English crown. She’s a 15-year-old girl and it genuinely sucks to be her.
The French are marrying off two 7-year-olds aAnd yet when Jimmy Savile tried something very similar he was castigated for it.
Luckily for her she has an ally in the mysterious elephant girl (who young Charles informs her is known as Clarissa). She first frees world’s most inept drug rapist Colin who was beheaded the previous week. Wait, that can’t be right? Turns out they beheaded the wrong dude and merely tortured Colin on the rack – those admin guys I tell you. So Colin now runs through the woods with arms like Inspector Gadget knowing that it was Killer Queen who sought to destroy Mary’s hymen with his help. That’s the kind of info that could put a strain on the monarchy. Godspeed you Colin you rapist fuck.
Colin now runs through the woods with arms like Inspector Gadget knowing that it was Killer Queen who sought to destroy Mary’s hymen.
Simon Westbrook enjoys the Franco hospitality so much he fakes a poison dress assassination attempt on Mary to try and rattle her but Mary isn’t the first Scottish girl to risk catching her death in a dangerous dress so she’s all “get tae fuck, son” at him so good for her.
He takes his mother organising the drug rape of his beloved quite well, just giving her a little ticking off and a B*witched style “Woddyeloike??”
She’s also managed to convince Francis that it’s the Queen behind her torment. He takes his mother organising the drug rape of his beloved quite well, just giving her a little ticking off and a B*witched style “Woddyeloike??” It’s a bit of a blow for Queeny but she does get a win when her guard catches up with Inspector Gadget, murders him and strings him up by the feet to make it look like the dirt worshippers in the forest did it. It means Queeny finishes the week ahead even if her husbland is now banging Kenna on a seemingly permanently basis.
It’s no biggie. Don’t forget: they’re French.
The verdict: Go go gadget legs!
Marks out of 10: 6