Cutting Edge: My Kid’s Psychic

Channel 4

Children make things up. It’s a thing they do before they develop a moral sense and can fully distinguish between fantasy and reality. They rely upon their parents to interpret this the correct way and quietly tell them that it’s wrong to tell fibs and that no one in life likes a bullshitter. Of course, if the parent ignores the lies or, worse still, actively encourages them, then you’re left with a situation where the child wields a huge amount of power over the parent, the tail starts to wag the dog and that never ends well.

"Children make things up. It’s a thing they do before they develop a moral sense and can fully distinguish between fantasy and reality."

Yes, it’s My Kid’s Psychic, folks – just another non-judgmental look at lunatics from the nation’s TV makers. The "documentary" followed a pair of useless parents Nicola and Simone on their deluded quest to prove that their children have psychic ability. Replete with pink hair and tattooed tit, Nicola is the kind of insane menopausal New Age flagcracker you can’t move for round my way. She believes her 15 year-old daughter Heather to have great psychic and healing abilities. Heather used to see strange things as a child, though we’ll have to take Nicola’s word for this as Heather doesn’t remember seeing anything.

"Replete with pink hair and tattooed tit, Nicola is the kind of insane menopausal New Age flagcracker you can’t move for round my way."

Nicola had seven miscarriages before she had her children. Some would take this as nature’s way of telling them not to breed but Nicola persisted. She now believes that her miscarried foetuses live with them in the house. "If some things are missing from the room we know the children have taken them." Oh for the love of fuck.

The Gifted One, Heather, is obviously loving the attention and keen to develop her psychic abilities. Brother Christopher is less convinced. He is asked "do you think your mother’s making it all up?"

"Yes."

"Why would she do that?"

"Mid-life crisis".

"No stranger myself to delivering the verbal Mexican liver punch, I must immediately take my hat off to this young man for his devastating matricidal response."

No stranger myself to delivering the verbal Mexican liver punch, I must immediately take my hat off to this young man for his devastating matricidal response. Getting to the heart of his mother’s pathology in a two-word phrase and it was not even the more obvious "loopy cunt". Maybe she’s not such a terrible parent after all if she produced him?

But Nicola is not alone in her lunacy as we find out when we are introduced to Simone and Oliver. Oliver, 8, sees dead people – like the kid in The Sixth Sense. The truth is more prosaic. Oliver’s the thick kid at school and Simone can’t believe that she’s raised a dummy. "He twitches and starts running in circles." Yes, that’s because your kid is fucking mental. Keep him away from other kids for the love of God. Oliver was diagnosed with ADDH and put on Ritalin but Simone has taken him off the drug because it upsets her. "I’m on a quest to find out what’s wrong with Oliver". He’s a lunatic. Just like his mother. Deal with it.

"’Isn’t that strange?’ Simone asks the camera crew. Strange doesn’t begin to cover it, sister.’"

Oliver, of course, is also fucking loving the attention. Though as the cameras roll and his mother shamelessly prompts him to come up with some visions, Oliver steadfastly refuses, preferring to lie down for a kip. "Yeah, the spirits are making me go to sleep now mom"

"Isn’t that strange?" Simone asks the camera crew. Strange doesn’t begin to cover it, sister.

When not favouring her idiot daughter over her intelligent son, Nicola gives pisspoor cold readings on the Destiny Channel and runs courses promoting the development of indigo and crystal children – children who New Age types believe have psychic powers and are an evolutionary leap forward. Yes, they really, really are.

"There’s a suppressed hatred of children at work here – a resentment of their potential and a twisted desire to control them and put them to work for her own needs. It’s absolutely vile."

When she was little, Nicola’s parents didn’t believe in her psychic abilities, what with them not existing and all, and she’s plainly never forgiven them. She’s working out her issues through children and she’s a controversial figure even among the crystal worshipping indigo freaks. There’s a suppressed hatred of children at work here – a resentment of their potential and a twisted desire to control them and put them to work for her own needs. It’s absolutely vile.

"You don’t believe this woman is a harmless idiot – you think that she’s a dangerous fuck."

It’s obvious to anyone that Nicola is a sick piece of shit who should be locked up in a rubber room for a long, long time. But all Cutting Edge can do is play moody Sapphire and Steel background music and sit on the fucking fence. Cutting Edge, when are you actually going to do a number on these cunts and actually have the balls to stand by it? Do the documentary, take the stance, put your tin hat on and take the shit when it comes. You don’t believe this woman is a harmless idiot – you think that she’s a dangerous fuck.

Well fucking say so.

The best thing about it: They are given enough rope

The worst thing about it: The rope is not tightened around the neck and yanked

The verdict on Cutting Edge: My Kid’s Psychic: Just another cop-out.

Marks out of 10: 3