BBC One
As we rejoin In the Club Kim is still talking out loud as she blogs and mooning over Spunk Donor who moons right back but neither of them want to hurt What’s-her-face. Their moments together would be agonisingly tense if you gave a shit whether either of them lived or died. As it is: meh. Kim has to break the news to Jailbait Ginger that her dad’s got a fucked up head, in Nottingham of all places. A social worker rolls up and sensibly tries to stick mother and spawn out of sight in a hostel but red menace ain’t trying to hear that. Looks like liquidised pie and chips on the menu for junior.
With that twat Rick being chased around town by the cops Diane is left holding the baby both fig and lit. She confides in Nausey Roanna who has her own problems – sleepless and stressed in her student fuckpit. Of course she’s just turned down £3 million she was legally if not morally entitled to because that’s how women always act during a divorce. Remember, it’s TOTALLY plausible that a woman who desperately needs money would do that. Anyway, Diane has the twins and Roanna needs a slap throughout the entire labour. Fuck me, she’s annoying. They’re all fucking annoying.
Red menace ain’t trying to hear that. Looks like liquidised pie and chips on the menu for junior.
Her dipshit borefriend visits the mother who wonders why he’s fucking someone her age as if she didn’t already know. He’s another gash. Roanna wants to hit his parents up for money because, as we discussed earlier, women in dire financial straits routinely walk away from massive divorce settlements. I think an awkward dinner with ma and pa is on the cards
But hey, what about Rick? He’s balanced precariously on top of a multi-storey car park ready to do the world a favour and jump and for some unfathomable reason Dev tries to talk him down. “I’m just a useless piece of shite” Rick notes correctly. Dev promises him a job at his imaginary uncle’s imaginary restaurant and Rick perks up. He makes a deal with the cops – let me see my sprogs and I’ll give myself up. Sounds fair.
When he arrives at the hospital he is welcomed like the hero he is. “You’re not stupid, you’re anything but stupid” says Diane who is herself deeply stupid. “I just wanted to get me kids pizza!” he tells her like his name was JohnJo from Common. The police cart him off and I hope this means we won’t be seeing this lackbrain again.
In other news people we don’t care about when Jasmin isn’t channelling Kim and talking out loud as she comments on the blog, she’s lying to her husbland about how long she’s been pregnant. She was probably getting dick from someone at the solicitors. She’s googling pre-eclampsia and paternity fraud like her life depends on it but Dev rumbles her when he reads her medical notes. I expect he’ll rob a bank now. These people.
The verdict: The show that got fundamentalist Christians campaigning for abortion rights.
Marks out of 10: 4