The Guardian

[The BT Hard Sell was double booked. This was mine.]

It all begins as just another one of those creepy BT Adam and Jane adverts where everyone talks like someone just farted. This time Jane’s dead-eyed Stepford son Joe MSNs Adam that “Mom” is “acting weird” (there’s a turn up).  Adam and Jane talk on the phone (because MSN is SHIT at relationships) and Jane strokes her tummy all wistful.  Hang on, you don’t suppose…?  Jane’s gone rogue and joined the constipated Sex and the City DulcoEase girls!  Oh wait, apparently we are to infer she might be pregnant and here’s the startling innovation: YOU decide. By simply visiting BT.com/vote you can have your say choosing either Jane is pregnant or Jane isn’t pregnant.  Talk about Sophie’s Choice – embarrassingly contrived broadband pregnancy tie-in or jawdroppingly offensive “adoption feels more real on a landline” angle?

“She catches him cheating on her with a mug full of Mellow Birds and, in a scene reminiscent of Charlotte Gainsbourg’s meltdown in Antichrist, slams his schlong in the coffee grinder and gets her mill on.”

Innovators to the bitter end, BT’s trailblazing will inevitably prompt a series of copycat advert votes. With the Gold Blend Couple you can choose from a) They live happily ever after or b)  She catches him cheating on her with a mug full of Mellow Birds and, in a scene reminiscent of Charlotte Gainsbourg’s meltdown in Antichrist, slams his schlong in the coffee grinder and gets her mill on.

Then the WKD lads either a) Get another round in or b) Are all horrifyingly killed in a practical joke gone wrong followed by a smash cut to their joint funerals where they are all lowered into their graves in comedy WKD bottles as drum and bass plays.  Ad breaks just went ‘Warlock of Firetop Mountain’  choose-your-own-adventure crazy.  Vote now!

Imagined: Tuesday, August 17, 2010