Euro 2008 TV coverage

BBC ITV

An excellent, thrilling and marvellous Euro 2008 ended last night with the Spaniels the deserved winners, edging out the tenacious Hun in a tense final. Despite England’s absence the networks threw themselves into the TV coverage with all the stupidity and enthusiasm we’ve come to expect. The BBC had to win back the trust of the nation after having the brass balls to appoint that incandescent shitcake baker and multimillionaire-off-the-backs-of-the-people failure Steve McLaren to summarise on the radio. This showed all the judgement and good taste of Graeme Souness selling his story to The Sun three years after Hillsborough. It is an unholy miracle if that mope ever works in this country again.

"The BBC had to win back the trust of the nation after having the brass balls to appoint that incandescent shitcake baker and multimillionaire-off-the-backs-of-the-people failure Steve McLaren to summarise on the radio."

But the BBC have sensibly retained manager of the famous Aston Villa, Martin O’Neill whocontinues to be good value. Opinionated, witty and not afraid to go against the party line. Alan Shearer can make some good points but he’s a fundamentally depressing audiovisual presence. I don’t see him being missed when he eventually takes over and relegates Newcastle.

"Ian Wright accused the BBC of treating him like a court jester. But he was just fucking shite . And a court jester is funny."

Alan Hansen and Mark Lawrenson do a good job. Lawrenson seems to be less popular than scabies but he calls things right more often than not. There is then a certain amount of controversy this year about how the BBC choose their pundits. Ian Wright accused the BBC of treating him like a court jester but he was just fucking shite with no articulacy, insight or appreciation of tactics. And a court jester is funny.

Although, The BBC still don’t seem to have worked out that Marcel Desailly does not speak English, even as a second language. I really don’t need to hear from him 15 times a day that France have been disappointing. I know they are disappointing. They’re French – they were born disappointing.

"I think people mainly give Pleat a hard time just because they think he’s a kerb crawling twat. While no doubt true that’s hardly a reason, people."

Magnificently, David Pleat repeatedly referred to the Czech Republic as the Republic of Czechoslovakia. But he is not a geography teacher, he’s a football summariser and, though widely derided, he’s pretty good on tactics and gives a good read of a manager’s intentions. I think people mainly give him a hard time just because they think he’s a kerb crawling twat. While no doubt true that’s hardly a reason, people.

"Andy Townsend’s ‘The full-back is literally, literally right up the backside of Koller there’ is a personal favourite of mine"

Over on ITV, Steve Rider continues to be a waste of space. I can’t believe this boy has ever actually paid to get into a football match. Andy Townsend is likeable but dull, much like his colleague Robbie Earle. Everyone but me wants to kill Peter Drury – I’ve always found him all right. ITV is particularly fertile breeding ground for Colemanballs. Andy Townsend’s “The full-back is literally, literally right up the backside of Koller there.” being a personal favourite of mine. Gary "Gaggy" Neville turns up from time to time and is exactly as charismatic as you expect. ITV accepted BBC’s superiority by allowing the Beeb to broadcast the final uncontested.

In other news, Garth Crooks is still around. I have no idea why.