BBC Two
As we enter the Den for the final episode before its mid-series hiatus we are greeted by Richard McLuckie and Stuart Mackenzie-Walker stumbling in like a pair of old soaks. These two stuttering pricks are pitching their Pants on Fire board games company and in a sector that’s shrinking by the day where only three games have ever made money they’ve certainly got their work cut out. Luck has not been kind to them thus either. They secured a huge order with HMV during its last days of Rome tailspin when buyers were snaffling up everything they could in the clear knowledge that the company was doomed anyway.
HMV gave Richard and Stu a merciless cornholing when they went under leaving them more fucked than Suge Knight‘s life insurance policy. They’ve got debts like a Third World shitpile with about as much prospect of paying them back. Remarkably though, Peeturd Blownes and Jock McSlasher double-team them for 40% of the action at a cost of £50,000. Looks like their luck may be changing.
In a sector that’s shrinking by the day where only three games have ever made money they’ve certainly got their work cut out.
Then we’ve got Hugh Roper and Nathan Wills whose Torch Apparel helmets for urban cyclists immediately get Smelly Ploppen sliding off her chair – she love them long time. In fact, all the Dragons dig this mid-range illuminated Tron shit and Peeturd recognises Hugh from the baby sacrificing Illuminati circuit. He asks his Masonic brother why the multimillionaire in his suit and tie is panhandling for change like a cunt. Hugh explains how he wants PR, expertise and fun – who doesn’t? But the patents only covers the design and not the tech and the Dragons pull out faster than suitors of Paz de la Huerta pull out when she says “hey babe I stopped taking the Pill”. They certainly look a pair of helmets now.
If you have watched every single episode of Dragons’ Den and remember every dumb piece of shit who walks through the lift doors then Jim Jemison will be a familiar face. He got told to GTFO in 2011 with some bullshit non-invention for lorries and now he’s back with Stowaway Designs Ltd (and it really is very limited). This time his big idea is “a new outdoor space saving device” – pop-up garden furniture. It costs something like £50,000 per unit for what looks like a failed GCSE woodwork project. Jock McSlasher offers Jim some free advice “Here’s how you could save some space: by killing yourself ya doss cunt”. Jim thanks him and quietly exits a solitary tear finding its way down his shit face.
Among the other hopefuls is a cocksmoker with an upside down umbrella, a pair of golf tee teeds and some broad selling teepees. The broad looked like she knew what she was doing and left with a fat pile of Devourer‘s cash. The Dragons really were in a gullible generous mood tonight.
The verdict: Chairman of the board.
Marks out of 10: 7.5