Having needlessly meddled in the world of international relations and narrowly avoided World War 3 the By Any Means squad turn their attention to counterterrorism and exactly how big of a fuck up they can make of that. This week’s target is Ahmed Amir, Turkish drug dealer, former human trafficker and all-round rotter. Having concluded a drug deal in the woods Ahmed clocks innocent old dude Arthur Rose searching for his dog. Arturd assures him he won’t tell anyone, that he never saw nothing anyway and, fair’s fair, Ahmed lets him walk away (before shooting him 17 times in the back, head and balls). As armed police approach he dumps the gun in a hidey hole. Yes, a known drug dealer with a fresh corpse looks suspicious but with no weapon there’s only about a 50:50 chance of conviction. Worth a shot though, right?
Not when Ahmed reveals the card up his sleeve. He calls in Charles Napier (David Harewood last seen removing his anus from the top of his spinal-cord as David Testes on the season 2 finale of Homeland) of MI5 to make good on a promise to give up money men supplying Durka terrorist cells, in exchange for the murder charge going away and a new identity. MI5 take him up on his offer, pull him off the grid and it’s up to the BAM squad to smoke him out.
He calls in Charles Napier (David Harewood last seen removing his anus from the top of his spinal-cord as David Testes on the season 2 finale of Homeland)
And how best to do that? Obviously your first step is to send Jess impersonating a chav with nausey kids to his solicitor, something she does quite badly considering she grew up in the slums as revealed last episode. Nonetheless she manages to clone the solicitor’s hard drive and snatch Ahmed’s phone number when one of her fake kids sticks it to her arse (no, not like that).
Jess manages to clone the solicitor’s hard drive and snatch Ahmed’s phone number when one of her fake kids sticks it to her arse (no, not like that).
Jess then proves exactly how versatile she is by slutting it up in a casino to help get Ahmed to a safe house which really isn’t all that safe given that it suspiciously close to the scene of the Arthur Rose murder. All that’s left is to break Mehmet, a friend Ahmed sold down the river, out of prison and the final piece of the plan to make benefit glorious BAM can get underway.
They fix it so that knife wielding Mehmet goes rogue, chases Ahmed into the woods where he killed Arthur forcing the sap to retrieve the gun, pick it up and thus implicate himself in the murder. The police surround him. Thanks to the BAM squad old twats seeking their dogs in the woods can breathe easily again. What will we do when they are gone?
The verdict: Mehmet Ali Arrrrrrrrrğh!!ca
Marks out of 10: 7