BBC Four
Previously on The Bridge: Incesty Oliver is looking a lock for Motherfucker of Three, history’s most violent eco-protester. The first big discovery of the day arrives via the unlikely route of Rasmus and his desperately compromised brain. Victoria was at school with Marcus Stenberg – was spotted Razzmag! Now fuck off back on gardening leave on the docks with Jimmy McNulty. Medisonus are shady, yo – something confirmed during a Skype session with Lennart Blomgren. He tells the Feds that trials of the wonderdrug they were developing to inhibit gluten and lactose intolerance were sped up to get the jump on their competitors. Some worrying findings were swept under the carpet. Side-effects included certain death and being tethered to a boat and sunk to the bottom of the ocean. Big Pharma, man. AGAIN.
Side-effects included certain death and being tethered to a boat and sunk to the bottom of the ocean.
And the interesting thing is if you follow the money that Medisonus share prices increased 6.8% after the plague AIDS outbreak. That’s an extra 200 million kroner for Victoria (£1000 in pounds sterling so not to be sniffed at). The Feds figure that Victoria talking at the conference is crucial. They also realise that Teflon Laura‘s shooter is a ringer for Incesty Oliver. Get that freak, Saga! Punch him right in the cock.
At that very moment Oliver is being ridden by his sister and not as he would like to be. Victoria scolds him for threatening Bodie and pulling her off the autobiography. She rags on him for being a spineless dickless piece of shit, always running around her legs like an invalid puppy with wheels for legs or some shit. In a final indignity he has to hand in his house keys. It’s a crushing blow but at least he’ll be able to remotely jerk off over her for the six months she’s got left.
Right? Well not quite. At the last moment he goes back and tells her everything he’s done for her. It’s quite a list, and quite the confession. He spread the pestilence, he poisoned the Professor, he sunk all those losers who took the Medisonus wonderdrug, even killed Claudio because he was ready to write a book about the broads he’d banged. Awwww, Oliver you shouldn’t have. No really, mate. Mate.
Awwww, Oliver you shouldn’t have. No really, mate. Mate.
He’s not done yet. He has one selfless act of brother love left – introducing Victoria to her maker. “The ending I’ve planned will make you immortal” he tells her as he smothers her. Watching all this over the road in his Incesty Wank Basement is wifey Gertrud. Opting not to fap herself over the exciting climax she races over and brains her boy with a bedroom lamp (£19.99 from IKEA). Farewell Oliver. You failed to kill an unarmed woman with three shots at point-blank range then went home and jacked off over your sister.
Farewell Oliver. You failed to kill an unarmed woman with three shots at point-blank range then went home and jacked off over your sister.
The police arrive just not in the nick of time. Gertrud tells them about the CCTV Sistercam “He had a sick relationship with his sister” a detective notes. That’s putting it mildly. There’s some bullshit non-event terrorist attack on a plane where no one dies and Christ alone knows why they stuck that The point is that Mother of Three is dead. Thank God that’s over.
It’s not the only thing that’s over. Jakob has moved out – finally, for good and forever. Poor old autard Saga, destined to live forever alone having casual sex because she’s beautiful. She cries a little. It’s sad but basically, fuck her. She’s a 9 not a 6, drives a fly car and gets dick when she wants. Some perspective please.
Also feeling the cold hard slap of the dump drop is Martin. Mette breaks up with him a “yo ho ho!” and an “I don’t love you any mo”. When they had sex it just wasn’t there she tells him. That vasectomy must’ve turned out worse than we thought. And he turned down Pernille for this! Talk about a shit sandwich. Neither Martin nor Saga can form a relationship except for with each other. That is their tragedy. In addition to the dead son, three-post ment mom and suicidal sister.
Still the good thing about being a loner who is terrible at relationships are those blistering four-in-the-morning eureka moments. Saga has one such the epiphany when she re-computes all times the Medisonus pass card was used. Mikkel Host was not Oliver! There’s still a loony left! Only the finale to go! AAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!
The verdict: Pills and soap.
Marks out of 10: 8