Channel 4
Jesus. Am I really expected to comment on these 16 abysmals? They’re not even housemates – not yet, at least. Because this year they have to earn the right to become a fully fledged Big Brother housemates. Someday, you’ll be a real boy Pinocchio. Then you can stop causing a forest fire every time you have a wank. Big Brother has been trying Aerial Telly‘s patience for some time now and it feels like it’s time to be doing something else with our summers. But for now, we’re stuck with it clogging up our schedules and news bulletins with its manufactured controversy, social comment and occasionally intriguing personality clashes. Shall we take a look at the inhabitants of this year’s turd aviary?
"Lisa’s a little bit BB1 Nicola (now sucking cock for a living and starving as a result), a little bit BB7 Tracey (that one-note Mister Punch looking cretin) and a little bit BB5 Kitten (endlessly punchable rag doll fucknut)."
Freddie, 23, is a Tory voting "anarchist at heart" who believes in the free market and free love, two utterly discredited ideas. All anarchists are plankton and all Tories phlegm so Freddie Fuckpants is doing quite well to be a seemingly nice enough fellow.
Lisa, 41, is a doleite Brummie piece of shit. Scrounging, motherless, ugly and lesbian, Lisa has made a name for herself in her own mind as a femme fatale for straight women. She’s a little bit BB1 Nicola (now sucking cock for a living and starving as a result), a little bit BB7 Tracey (that one-note Mister Punch looking cretin) and a little bit BB5 Kitten (endlessly punchable rag doll fucknut).
"Sophie had the world’s least necessary breast enlargement from her natural 30FF to her current 30GG. Not so much ‘gilding the lily’as ‘extending the twat’."
Sophie, 20, is a depressingly familiar, depressingly stupid blonde glamour model who had the world’s least necessary breast enlargement from her natural 30FF to her current 30GG. Not so much "gilding the lily" as "extending the twunt"
Kris, 24, is a "visual merchandiser" which means he dresses shop windows. His audition tape was a weak attempt to fill the shoes of men like last year’s charmless "fanny nailing" Dale. No one will accuse Kris of setting his sights too high.
Noirin, 25, is a pretty decent looking Irish mixed-race piece of pie who tells us she accidentally flashed her fanny at a nightclub recently. Brilliant. She likes to follow the 10 Commandments and cheat on her borefriends. Someone who cared more than me could identify conflict there.
"Big Brother desperately trying to sell him: ‘look! He looks like Wolverine!!!’ Well, not really and even if he did he’s still a monumentally boring lardarse whose time in the house will consist of sweating, farting and life-threatening sunburn."
Cairon, 18, is an African-American male who is into flagcrackers – not that he wants to conform to any kind of stereotype. The scumbag launch night crowd seemed to like him but surely this can’t last?
Angel, 35, is a female Russian professional boxer. Despite believing correctly that women’s boxing is an abomination against nature, appallingly refereed and horrible to watch, Aerial Telly likes Angel. He doesn’t really know why. He’ll get back to you on this.
Karly, 21, is a too dreary for words blonde Jock chav who wants to date failed footballers for a living. Christ, this is pitiful.
"Karly, 21, is a too dreary for words blonde Jock chav who wants to suck failed footballer cock for a living. Christ, this is pitiful."
Marcus, 35, was, for some reason, the housemate who depressed me more than all of the others. Perhaps because he got there solely on having unusually prominent sideburns with Big Brother desperately trying to sell him: "look! He looks like Wolverine!!!" Well, not really and even if he did he’s still a monumentally boring lardarse whose time in the house will consist of sweating, farting and life-threatening sunburn.
Beinazir, 28, is yet another Muslim who isn’t really a Muslim. Says she is "up for anything". Okay then – let the lesbian brick in your mouth then. No? Kinga wouldn’t have batted an eyelid.
Sophia, 26, is 4 ft 11 of squealing enthusiasm. Aerial Telly does not have it in his heart to hate her but he expects others not to be so charitable.
"Aerial Telly would avoid this if he wasn’t i) betting on it and ii) the greatest TV critic the world has ever seen. If the rumours are true and our only a couple more left he won’t be exactly sorry. Think more ‘relieved’"
Rodrigo, 23, is bisexual, from Brazil and wears his wacky foreigner credentials on his sleeve. I think we’ve seen enough.
Charlie, 22, is a gay Geordie and that’s about it really.
Saffia, 27, is a single mother who left her seven-month-old child to be in the house. But she’s doing it ALL for her kids. Pfffffffffffffffffffft.
Sree, 26, is a dull student union fuck.
Siavash, 23, is an event organiser who looks like Sayid from Lost if he were dressed by Russell Brand. Awful bastard.
Aerial Telly would avoid this if he wasn’t i) betting on it and ii) the greatest TV critic the world has ever seen. If the rumours are true and there are only a couple more adventures left he won’t be exactly sorry. Think more "relieved".
The best thing about it: Angel’s weird and, to my eyes, beguiling walk into the house.
The worst thing about it: Child abandoning shithead.
The verdict on Big Brother 2009 launch night: Don’t worry, it’ll all be over soon.
Marks out of 10: 7