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10,000 applicants, a baker’s dozen of cunts (if you’re counting Katie‘s face) and an increasingly erratic business maestro with one eye on retirement. Yes, The Apprentice‘s third season climaxed this week, solidifying its position as one of the classier, funnier reality TV shows and reuniting many of the incompetents and maniacs who hadn’t made the final boardroom shake-up. 12 weeks in and what have we learnt? Well, we’ve learned that Nigella seeds doesn’t refer to the contents of Charles Saatchi’s nutsack but rather the black things on top of nan bread, that the theory of evolution has fatal flaws (Tre: “I ain’t come from no fish.”) and that a folding wheelchair will outsell a trampette every time. Well alright, once. But still.
“10,000 applicants, a baker’s dozen of cunts (if you’re counting Katie’s face) and an increasingly erratic business maestro with one eye on retirement.”
Other highlights included Katie’s attempt to prove that she could quite literally sell pork to a Muslim during Ramadan. Unfortunately, looking and acting like a pig weren’t quite enough to swing it for the porcine ball breaker and Johnny Muslim stuck to halal beef-on-the-bone. Kuntie was the instantly recognisable face of The Apprentice 2007. And what a face it was. If Tre could confidently claim that he came from no fish you could make no such assertion of the sea creature Kuntie. Looking like a giant king prawn in a blonde wig and trouser suit, Kuntie was ballsy, talented and remorselessly unpleasant. Providing acres of tabloid coverage with her acidic put-downs and private life home wrecking (three married men and counting), she was the grit in the oyster that made season three the memorable spectacle it was.
“Looking like a giant king prawn in a blonde wig and trouser suit, Kuntie was ballsy, talented and remorselessly unpleasant.”
The former contestants were there to aid the finalists Kristina and Simon in the final task – to come up with a concept for a building Sugar had purchased on the banks of The Thames. Rory and Tre rekindled their tempestuous relationship and an almost erotic frisson played between the two of them as they took over Simon’s task for him. Rory, a useless plummy twat for the most part of his brief stay in Casa Apprentice, proved a valuable asset to Simon with his wave concept – light years ahead of Tre’s pedestrian boat idea. Tre really wasn’t a lot of fucking use in this task and still seemed pissed off that he didn’t win the thing. Let it go, Grasshopper.
“Kristina’s bongo-bongo degree from The University of Bogtrotting doesn’t stand up to Simon’s triple first in astro-bioedumaction from The University of Oxford in That London.”
It was not much to shout about as a competitive spectacle as the final served as a back-slapping exercise for the final two. Simon’s presentation probably had the edge over Kristina’s yet it was still quite a surprise when Sugar awarded him the job. As Sugar admits, Simon is no leader and has an awful lot to learn. But it seemed to be his creativity and dedication that put him in poll position. Sugar has said that the particular job he’s awarding needs somebody with an education and for all her qualities Kristina’s bongo-bongo degree from The University of Bogtrotting doesn’t stand up to Simon’s triple first in astro-bioedumaction from The University of Oxford in That London. You had to feel sorry for Kristina who had outperformed Paul for much of the series but despite appearing clueless, he’s a talented lad with more creativity than Kristina and an overwhelming enthusiasm for getting things done. Michelle Dewberry Pie may have lasted something like 12 minutes last year but I think this boy has got staying power. And after seeing him on the trampette we can safely say he’s not going to be leaving for a career in the media. Innit?
The best thing about it: Rory – redeeming himself with an impressive performance.
The worst thing about it: No reunion with Ghazal‘s intriguing pie.
The verdict on The Apprentice Series Three Final: Bring on season four. We’ll be waiting.
Marks out of 10: 8