Amy Winehouse on the Charlotte Church show

Channel 4

Being a modern-day Albert Schweitzer type people’s critic (as well as "people’s" critic) it falls to Aerial Telly to once again update you on the perilous form of Amy Winehouse, the horse faced bag of bones currently promoting her soon-to-be released and no doubt excellent Back To Black album. Having dropped 42 dress sizes in a month, Amy turned up on the much-maligned Charlotte Church Show this Friday. Looking like she’d just failed the audition for the Sheila’s Wheels ad she was plainly off her jangly tits for the duration of the show to the extent that the producers did not trust her with her lines for "What We’ve Learned This Week" (and the bar is set pretty fucking low as far as who they trust with that). The show culminated with Amy and Charlotte duetting on Michael Jackson‘s ‘Beat It’, offering a rare chance to see a note-for-note facsimile of Eddie Van Halen‘s finger shredding guitar solo from Charlotte’s spod guitarist. Charlotte performed with gusto using her regulation one-size-fits-all shouty vocal whereas Amy did an extraordinary impersonation of Vic Reeves‘ pub singer character. Apparently forgetting the words to one of the most famous songs ever penned, Amy appears to have lost the ability to form consonants. She basically threw her head back and emitted one long vowel more-or-less in time with the song.

Charlotte, for her part, just looked delighted to meet a female singer who gets more pissed than she does. Recent evidence suggested that Amy had curtailed her tendency to over-sing live – a shame she chose national television to relapse so spectacularly. We can hope that she sees this as a learning experience rather than an excuse to dive into a bottle of Thunderbirds and Lime and never come out. It’s par for the course for musicians to get mashed up but when it starts affecting their performance you have to say: girlfriend, chiggidy check yourself before you wriggedy wreck yourself.

And Amy, when they try to make you to go to rehab you should go, go, go.