Worthless Amazon Review Scum

We are all familiar with Amazon – that smug behemoth of the spangly Web, the first dotcom company to make a profit and mainstay of dumbass 101 Websites You Already Know About lists.

"We are all familiar with Amazon – that smug behemoth of the spangly Web"

The savings on shopping for books on the Web are almost always eaten up by delivery costs but there’s something to be said for online browsing of bookstores, finding out that people who read Kathy Lette novels also shopped for Literature for Dummies and Fern Britton’s exercise video .

Then, of course, come the user reviews. The witless dribblings of these semi-literate schlebs are quite something to behold. Here at Aerial Telly we like to refer to them as Worthless Amazon Review Scum (hereafter referred to as WARS or ReviewScum )

My struggle

A reviewer writes on Hitler’s Mein Kampf:

For those who are “shocked” by Hitler’s racism and wallow in horror, ask yourself this, is this any more shocking than the racism, abuse of women, and antiauthoritarianism you might find on your average rap album?

Er, yes it is you stupid cunt. Moving along to the next insightful Hitler review:

Another theory I heard about why Hitler wanted to kill the Jews was because when his mother was dying it was a Jewish doctor who was treating her. But in reality does this give someone the right to kill 6 million people?

It’s a contentious point and, frankly, I’m struggling with it – why don’t you tell us how you feel?

I certainly think not. I’m not sure how the rest of you feel.

Thanks for that ruling. Solomon himself would be like “that’s knowledge, dog”

The Dogs of WARS

The ReviewScum are as primitive and single-minded as Neanderthals and about as literate. They will force home their point, however fatuous, at any cost to themselves, the reader and the English language.

They are always on hand to offer their opinion on the literary canon – that body of work that has stood the test of time, transcended literary fads and movements to attain mythic status. Like, say, the Bronte sisters.

Wuthering Heights is, simply put, a bad book. Thank god for Isaac Asimov!

Thank God, indeed, if it keeps you off the streets you dumb motherfucker. Naff taste is one thing – but there’s also Completely Missing The Sodding Point

ReviewScum on 1984, George Orwell:

Dan Adler from ‘Cuse, NY — What’s the point? Maybe if you live in a country that’s a monarchy, this book’s worth reading, but this is *America*, ok? The whole reason we live in a democracy is so that we the people don’t have to worry about things like this.

Boy, would Orwell feel silly after reading that.

"The Complete Works of Shakespeare will appeal to Shakespeare fans? Well, ride me sideways…"

But missing the point is not really as bad as Stating The Frigging Obvious.

ReviewScum on The Complete Works of William Shakespeare:

If you like Shakespeare, you’ll totally dig it.

Oh, no fucking shit? The Complete Works of Shakespeare will appeal to Shakespeare fans? Well, ride me sideways.

But that’s what happens when you let the great unwashed have their say. They will debase anything of value and boil it down.

Then again, they do save some praise for their favourites.

ReviewScum on ‘To Hell in a Handcart’ Richard Littlejohn:

A must read, he should have released this book at least 4 weeks before the last election. It could have made all the difference.

Yes, I’m sure the hastily-edited hack work of a man-of-the-people shock-jock would have turned the Labour landslide on its head in the space of four weeks.

After all, nobody had heard of Littlejohn before this – it’s not like he’s got his own column in the Sun or anything

"It’s never been more clear that, in most cases, teaching people to read has been an expensive waste of time."

It’s never been more clear that, in most cases, teaching people to read has been an expensive waste of time.

There’s billions of pounds of public money to be freed up by jettisoning literacy programmes in favour of research into Robot Dogs and Cars Powered By Gravy.

Time spent trawling the reviews on Amazon will convince you that this whole public literacy thing was an idea way ahead of its time.