X Factor 2009 Premiere
ITV
Is anything more worthless on this earth than Dannii Minogue? Perhaps because I have never encountered anybody in the industry with a good word to say about her (even her sister is diplomatic), she nauses me the fuck out. It’s been two years now since she won the X Factor with fellow utterly worthless cunt Leon Jackson and in that time not an ounce of truth or insight has passed through her lips. Botox, yes – insight, no. “I think there were some tuning issues early on” yes, that is her catchphrase. Cheryl Cole is younger, prettier, warmer, more popular and has been through the TV reality wringer and enjoyed huge subsequent success so her presence has a certain validity. Dannii Minogue had a sucky pop career, then went and became Jacques Villeneuve’s trophy escort on the motor racing circuit. She knows nothing about anything. She did Playboy which he found “liberating” and “empowering”. Yeah, you go girl. Twat.
“Dannii Minogue had a sucky pop career, then went and sucked some Formula 1 cock. She knows nothing about anything. She did Playboy which he found ‘liberating’ and ’empowering’. Yeah, you go girl. Twat.”
But at this stage we’re not really concerned about the judges. It’s all about the crazy audition people — the unusually good and unusually bad. And to hell with all those middlebrow mediocre bitches, not so good you can put them through, not so bad you can laugh at them.
We kicked off with Dreamgirls, a pair of implausibly hot Lithuanian model twins who came on and produced about a litre of drool from Hymen Cowell as they stood there all vulnerable in their slutty little dresses. Unfortunately, once they started singing they were heroically shite and were told to get tae fuck. Bye, girls. See you in an upscale brothel on the Austrian border in 18 months.
“Once they started singing they were heroically shite and were told to get tae fuck. Bye, girls. See you in a upscale brothel on the Austrian border in 18 months.”
Then, like two plops from God’s arse, came John and Edward from Dublin, a pair of monumentally punchable twins who look just like Harry Enfield’s doubletake brothers who came on shouting at the audience in transatlantic accents “Glasgow!!! How you feeling tonight? You come to party??” The “yeah, don’t mind us lads” looks from the judges were magnificent. This pair of bastards ran through some boy band dross with impressive efficiency and got through by the skin of their tits. This was the correct decision, even though Cowell plainly intends to murder them, as they are a terrific hate figure to get behind. And we will get behind you, boys. Until you are ash.
Rounding off the show was Danyl Johnston with his interpretation of With A Little Help From My Friends What is it about that song? Every time I hear it I want to grab the singer by his tits and punch him in his cunt mouth. It’s McCartney at his insincere worst. Joe Cocker‘s cover is even more painful, riven through with his witless bluecollar soul man gurning. Horrible, horrible song. Anyway, this R&B blandroid does a good job, demonstrates excellent stagecraft and radiates inoffensive me-so-humble pain in the balls Leona Lewis star quality that is exactly what the world needs.
“Anyway, this R&B android does a good job, demonstrates excellent stagecraft and radiates inoffensive me-so-humble bland pain in the balls Leona Lewis star quality that is exactly what the world needs.”
It was a lively opening. Auditions are held in front of gigantic crowds of whooping fucks now in what seems a fairly pointless theft from Britain’s Got Talent. The X Factor 2009 winner will probably not be inspiring as a musical artist but it’s all about the emotional journey isn’t it? It’s all there. Every emotion except joy.
The best thing about it: Glass eyed Lithuanian pie stinking out the joint
The worst thing about it: Dannii Minogue
The verdict on X Factor 2009 Premiere: Despite everything, good to have it back.
Marks out of 10: 7.5
Imagined: Friday, August 28, 2009