FOX
Prison Break, you were great and now you’re gone. The smartest dumb show on the box finished last week in a fittingly thrilling and stupid finale. Only it wasn’t really a finale because there are two more episodes to come on DVD which will tie up the loose ends from the finale that wasn’t. Make any sense? Hell no, but Prison Break was never about logic, never about one thing inevitably leading to another. It came from the heart, shot from the hip and let itself be carried on the wings of imagination never fettered by such tawdry concerns as plausibility, common sense or continuity. In this, it was truly poetic.
“Prison Break was never about logic, never about one thing inevitably leading to another. It came from the heart, shot from the hip and let itself be carried on the wings of imagination never fettered by such tawdry concerns as plausibility, common sense or continuity. In this, it was truly poetic.”
The two-hour finale starts with Michael facing a terrible choice. He must give Scylla to General Baldieweebastard or the lovely Sara will get it in the tits. On the other hand, he must give Scylla to his insane mother as she has just shot Linc in the tits and will let him bleed to death if she doesn’t get what she wants. So what can he possibly do? He’s fucked, right?
Come on – this is Scofield we’re talking about, the man who framed himself for armed robbery, feigned type 1 diabetes and tattooed prison blueprints on himself to bust his brother of chokey. He does not play. He sends Mahone along to the MomInator rigged with explosives to kill the crazy bitch, Mahone springing Linc in the ensuing confusion (Mommy, Dearest survives to bitch another day of course). Michael then arranges to meet the General to hand over Scylla using the window of opportunity to climb through a window of a building to save Sara from a rapey going over from T-Bag. Michael is all about to cave T-Bag’s skull but Sara is all “no” because we can’t have Scofield being a killer even though he kind of already is a killer what with him killing Sammy in the tunnel out of Sona in season three by removing that little metal piece. But now is not a time for pedantry so chill.
“Kellerman’s working to secure Scylla for the United Nations because no one nation should have all that power. Well, the United Nations is run by the Illuminati anyway so that’s just daft.”
In an unusual development, Sucre and C-Note return having been recruited by Kellerman. That’s right, Paul Kellerman who got all killed and shit. But as we didn’t actually witness the life expire out of him we should have guessed he was still alive. The murder and torture that have defined much of his professional life are now behind him and he’s working to secure Scylla for the United Nations because no one nation should have all that power. Well, the United Nations is run by the Illuminati anyway so that’s just daft.
In case you were wondering what is actually on Scylla, the company’s little black book of digital secrets, the most important thing in her whole wide world, it contains such highlights as a solar cell prototype (Zzzzzz),
a desalination technique that can yield potable water in seconds (and again I say: Zzzzzz),
a way for bio-engineered crops to subsist in the harshest of climates (sorry I didn’t catch that last one) and “revolutionary vaccines” (a vaccine against revolution? Hugo Chavez is beside himself).
“It took you 4 seasons to finally be free, Michael. Free from your colossally dumb brother Lincoln, that perma-grinning twit Sucre, that doublecrossing murderer Mahone, that wigger teed Tweener, that pie-faced fuckwad Don Self, that sadist mummy’s boy Bellick, that one-handed baby rapist Bagwell, that gorgeous boneypie smackhead wife of yours.”
In the end, Michael’s great plan works. He brings Scylla to Kellerman who is as good as his word and hands it over to the UN. World’s worst mother Christine gets shot dead by Sara, Don Self ends up a cabbage after a hospital bed murder attempt (no one really gave a fuck about him anyway), The General gets the electric chair, T-Bag gets sent back to Fox River, Mahone, Lincoln, Michael, Sara, Sucre all get full pardons. They took down The Company. That is so hardcore. Fast forward four years and the gang all hook up to visit Michael’s grave because he’s dead from that nosebleed brain thing. It’s just incredibly sad! No really.
It took you 4 seasons to finally be free, Michael. Free from your colossally dumb brother Lincoln, your useless lawyer Veronica, that perma-grinning twit Sucre, that doublecrossing murderer Mahone, that wigger teed Tweener, that pie-faced fuckwad Don Self, that sadist mummy’s boy Bellick, that oh-so-hot sociopath Gretchen, that one-handed baby rapist Bagwell, that gorgeous boneypie smackhead wife of yours. Free at last, thank God almighty you’re free at last.
But you’re also dead which puts a bit of a dampener on things.
I shall miss Prison Break and will always remember it fondly. It rocked.
The best thing about it: Kellerman performing his cunt ex machina.
The worst thing about it: I would have liked to see Gretchen back.
The verdict on Prison Break Series Finale: Getting out at the right time.
Marks out of 10: 8
Imagined: Tuesday, 19th May 2009