Ladies – Aerial Telly be loving you long time but preferring cats to children gets you a flea in the ear and the shortest shrift you EVER saw

Try me. Go on – I dare you

September 27th 2008 was a typical Saturday night for Aerial Telly. Hit the bars late, hook up with a couple of DJ-ing friends armed with an invite to one of the coolest parties the UK has to offer. As he walked through the underground catacombs of a converted recording studio with his crew, dipped in fresh gear as the finest rare groove played a ripple of excitement went through the venue like a Mexican wave. "People" stopped to congratulate him on his recent phenomenal Big Brother win (even though the bouncers gave every one strict instructions not to mention it as he HATES talking about it)

"’People’ stopped to congratulate him on his recent phenomenal Big Brother win (even though the bouncers gave every one strict instructions not to mention it as he HATES talking about it)"

"Hey Aerial Telly, what’s up?"
"Aerial Telly! I just read the Bryan Cranston interview – my God you’re good…"
"AT! Amir Khan phoned – he wants his soul back…."

The boy treated all these inquiries with style and grace, allowing members of his crew to "deal" with the more persistent pests

"He flirted and made out with a couple of honies, acquiring their phone numbers for entry into the ‘who will Aerial Telly take home tonight?’ Tombola."

Yes, this is the life of the high-status Alpha male when he steps up in the place. It is intimidating to newcomers but Aerial Telly ain’t new to this. This is the life he leads. He didn’t choose it. It chose him.

Then of course there were the girls. This is Aerial Telly’s life. There are always girls. And even by the high standards of the parties he attends this was a veritable deluge of pie – Pieagara Falls if you will. After he had flirted and made out with a couple of honies, acquiring their phone numbers for entry into the ‘who will Aerial Telly take home tonight?’ Tombola a particularly impressive looking blonde pastry came his way leaving a trail of goggle-eyed cuntstruck men in her wake.

"A particularly impressive looking blonde pastry came his way leaving a trail of goggle-eyed cuntstruck men in her wake."

No, Aerial Telly is not easily impressed. Yet he was impressed. This girl was triple stacked, packing and ready to rock. But he heeded the words of Guru from Gang Starr "a lot of ladies out there be looking lovely but they don’t got no control of their lives – inside, they’re ugly". How prescient they turned out to be

"Noodles and Arthur… They’re like TOTALLY my cats. We have these weird conversations – it’s like so RANDOM.Do you want to do some coke with me?"

"Oh my God – you’re that guy yeah? Stevie’s friend? The Telly guy ? Well get this – I was just talking to this GUY and he’s totally telling me about his kids and it’s like within around like TWO MINUTES of meeting me. And I’m, like, NEWSFLASH: can’t stand kids, you don’t know me, don’t want to know about yours".

"I’m like: HEL-LOOOOOO. I already have my little babies – Noodles and Arthur… They’re like TOTALLY my cats. We have these weird conversations – it’s like so RANDOM. Do you want to do some coke with me?"

At this point, Aerial Telly raised a silencing hand. And then he spoke.

"Children are the most precious gift in the universe. Cats are just little balls of SHIT in comparison. They mean nothing. NOTHING, you hear?"

"Why, you vile little cretin. How dare you enter Aerial Telly personal space with your nonsense? How dare you pollute his psychic space with your toxic people hate? A cat, madam? A motherfucking cat??"

"ANYONE who prefers cats to children is a sick piece of shit who deserves to be suffocated in Beth Ditto’s back fat."

"Let me tell you this you horrendous China Whites scuttler. Children are the most precious gift in the universe. Parenting is the most solemn important task we EVER do. Cats are just little balls of SHIT in comparison. They mean nothing. NOTHING, do you hear?"

"ANYONE who prefers cats to children is a sick piece of shit who deserves to be suffocated in Beth Ditto‘s back fat. Now go back in there and apologise to that loyal loving father you just travestied. He is clearly more man than you can handle. In fact, I’ll hook a brother up tonight and get him laid by the kind of girl most guys in here would flay their scrotums raw for 5 minutes with. It’s your lucky night, Muldoon. Aerial Telly in full motherfucking effect. Five thous, fool."

"The skank stood rooted to the spot, shaking, slack-jawed and drooling. At the time of writing, five days later, she is still there frozen in shock like some embarrassing David Blaine stunt (is there any other kind?)"

The crowd roared their approval at Aerial Telly’s monologue and the skank stood rooted to the spot, shaking, slack-jawed and drooling. At the time of writing, five days later, she is still there frozen in shock like some embarrassing David Blaine stunt (is there any other kind?) .

The moral is clear. Don’t try and impress Aerial Telly with your weaselly misanthropy. The boy has nothing but love and compassion in his heart and can spot a tryhard and a blowhard at 500 paces in thick fog.

And if you prefer cats to children then no force in the universe can save your soul.

 

Imagined: 1st October 2008