The Pickup Artist Season 2 Premiere

VH1

 

In a recent review, Aerial Telly referred to the Mad Men character Salvatore as “the gayest gay that ever gayed”. He would like to take this opportunity to apologise to the fictional Italian-American homosexual played so effectively by Bryan Batt for this inaccuracy. Because Aerial Telly would like to make it very clear that Salvatore is nowhere close to, cannot hold a candle to and could never in his wildest gayest dreams be as gay as Alex Shelley, one of the contestants on the second season of The Pickup Artist. Like the rest of the guys on the show Alex has trouble picking up women. This is because he is motherfucking GAY. No gayer man ever walked the earth; he is the distilled essence of gayness; there is not heterosexual atom in his body. He loves the cock, he’s down with the pipe, he has no love for the pie. Alex’s parents knew he was gay approximately 3 months before his conception. He chose the wallpaper on his nursery. There is more ambiguity about the sexuality of Mr Smithers from The Simpsons. Enough with this nonsense.

“No gayer man ever walked the earth; he is the distilled essence of gayness; there is not heterosexual atom in his body. He loves the cock, he’s down with the pipe, he has no love for the pie. Alex’s parents knew he was gay approximately 3 months before his conception.”

Much like last season nine guys roll up to the West Coast to be beaten into shape by the bipolar pickup genius Mystery. Each of them has a story, a handicap which is handily subtitled for us by VH1. Todd, 26: the best friend (Aerial Telly readers ALL know that one); Brian, 21: never kissed a girl (who wasn’t his mother); Alex, 22: women think he’s gay (no fucking shit).

Back to aid in Mystery’s quest is the his wingman, beefcake alpha male Matador. No role for J-Dog this time around – he’s been replaced by Tara the sexy kissing coach from season one. Tara’s role is to slut it up around the pool with her slutty friends as well as giving that unique insight into what women want that only a broad can give. Fair enough.

There’s the regulation top-to-toe makeover where our brave hopefuls are pushed through a blizzard of piercings, eyebrow plucks and spray tans and given a new wardrobe that says “yes, I’m sexually active…. PSYCHE!” The crew totally go to town on Alex, performing the miracle of making him look even more gay than before.

Alex: a homosexual male

“One person has been checking out Mystery’s ass every time he walks past. At the end of this monologue, Alex is already ordering a cab.”

Then they head to a club where the pie-starved pussy pack have to demonstrate just exactly how abysmal they are at approaching honeys. Alex gets approached several times by women admiring his dukie gold chain but cannot react as he is too busy dreaming of cock.

The “stunning” reveal at the end of the programme is that Mystery ISN’T HAVING IT. One person, he says, just isn’t ready to begin this journey. One person, had it put on a plate for him last night and still couldn’t capitalise. One person has been checking out Mystery’s ass every time he walks past. At the end of this monologue, Alex is already ordering a cab. Yes, Mystery didn’t even bother waiting until the first task before jettisoning the unfortunate Alex no doubt asking the producers “What the fuck did you saddle me with a flaming homosexual for? I’m good but not that fucking good”

“All jokes aside, improving young men’s interactions with women is a worthwhile, noble cause. You don’t need to engage in this Dynasty cliffhanger shit – I’m up to my elbows in shows like that.'”

It was a lively, entertaining start to the season. I just wonder about the ethics of including someone so clearly and deeply in denial just to make them a figure of fun. Obviously, nobody on a reality TV show is in the picture of mental health but that doesn’t mean we can’t have standards. It’s often worried me that The Pickup Artist will move away from a life-improving personality makeover show into just another sensation seeking reality TV car wreck. It doesn’t need to go out like that because, all jokes aside, improving young men’s interactions with women is a worthwhile, noble cause. You don’t need to engage in this Dynasty cliffhanger shit – I’m up to my elbows in shows like that.

The best thing about it: The occasionally painful to watch in the field hidden camera footage.

The worst thing about it: The prepackaged generic reality TV “moments”.

The verdict on The Pickup Artist Season 2 Premiere: Looks promising.

Marks out of 10: 7.5