Old Enough To Be His Mother
Channel 5
Aerial Telly doesn’t make judgments. That’s not his stilo. We regularly run non-judgmental pieces on all kinds of perverts: porno perverts, sister fuckers, celeb shaggers – we’ve had them all in our lair.
"porno perverts, sister fuckers, celeb shaggers – we’ve had them all in our lair."
So it was only a matter of time before we got round to CRADLE SNATCHING SLUTS or as official channel of Aerial Telly Channel 5 preferred it Old Enough To Be His Mother, part of their Hidden Lives series.
It looked at women married to men at least 20 years their junior and talked to the weirdos about the challenges they faced and the ups and downs of being a filthy deviant.
“It looked as if Simon was wrestling a giant animatronic melting Madame Tussauds waxwork.”
The star couple were 70 year-old scrote Edna and her 31 year-old lantern-jawed turd of a husband Simon who seemed to be some kind of organ playing God botherer though this was never made explicit.
In one of the most gratuitously offensive scenes ever screened, Simon and Edna make out naked in the shower. It looked as if Simon was wrestling a giant animatronic melting Madame Tussauds waxwork. The spliced up off cuts of the works of David Cronenberg contain nothing this horrifying.
Edna is plainly delighted with herself – she’s never acted her age, she tells us, so why start now? And the grannyfucker is clearly getting some kind of perverse pleasure from it so who are we to judge? *
Simon was a virgin before meeting Edna so he probably thinks this is normal. I suppose somebody could tell him that there are women around his own age whose tits are both in the same postal code but what would that achieve? Ignorance is bliss and this pair of bastards seem happy enough.
"Doing a very good impersonation of the "ooh I’m sorry, I’ve just come" man from The Fast Show, Ruth collapses by some swings under the megaton force of one of her orgasms."
The next freakshow was mother of ten Ruth, 49, and Simon, 21. Ruth is ten years older than Simon’s mother and six of her children are older than him. Which makes family gatherings interesting, I’m sure.
It’s not all laffs though as Ruth suffers from "multiple orgasm syndrome", which means she comes around 30 times a day. I’m not making this up.
Doing a very good impersonation of the "ooh I’m sorry, I’ve just come" man from The Fast Show, Ruth collapses by some swings under the megaton force of one of her orgasms.
“Simon shows great fortitude in dealing with a mature woman with a power steering clit.”
Simon shows great fortitude in dealing with a mature woman with a power steering clit – apparently just walking into the room sends her into ecstasy. That’s many men’s fantasy though I’d settle for Montserrat Lombard, Billie Piper and a hot tub but I’m strange like that.
No such worries for Norma, a few months short of collecting her buspass at 59, who is boffing Chris, 27. Another apparently happy couple, tensions only rise when Norma raises the delicate issue of what happens when she is so decrepit they can no longer have sex.
He’d rather not think about it. I’d rather not think about it. I’d rather not think of them having sex at all, so I guess we’re all out of luck
"Hidden Lives – the televisual equivalent of a policeman’s torch, shining a light into society’s dark alleys."
I suppose we should thank Channel 5 for Hidden Lives – the televisual equivalent of a policeman’s torch, shining a light into society’s dark alleys and revealing the horrors within.
But aren’t some things better left unseen? Because if Anthony Perkins skewering Janet Leigh in Psycho is the most horrifying shower scene you’ve encountered then get ready to think again.
The best thing about it: Ruth’s coma inducing orgasms
The worst thing about it: Wrinkly shower sex. Brrrrrrrrrr.
The verdict on Old Enough To Be His Mother: There’s no perv like an old perv.
Marks out of 10: 7.5
* Aerial Telly, motherfucker that’s who