TV’s Naughtiest Blunders
ITV 1
In an nutshell: If Roger Melly from Viz got hold of the TV archives.
The 411: As thin a premise as much TV has these days there’s usually a twisted logic to it. Filming police chasing car thieves, Club Reps falling over and being sick, sending a transsexual to do a man’s job – the voyeuristic appeal is obvious.
That’s really not the case with TV’s Naughtiest Blunders – or, to give it its full title All New TV’s Naughtiest Blunders 25. That’s right, 25. They make the owners of the Police Academy franchise look restrained.
"It becomes a kind of comedy antimatter, propelling anybody who comes into contact with it into clinical depression. "
It’s still the same one-and-a-quarter hours of out-takes and swearwords you’re so familiar with. Why change a winning formula? So what if it’s the same three actors saying "bollocks" in rotation, the same weathergirl tripping over her lines or the same non-league footballer’s shorts falling down? Give the punters what they want.
Neil Morrissey narrates as if it were the funniest thing he’d ever seen – this from a man who witnessed Les Dennis‘s nervous breakdown first hand. Home wrecking bastard that he is.
Worst of all is when they show successive takes of the same scene – becoming progressively less funny as they repeat and repeat – slowly bludgeoning you into an admission of the futility of your own existence. It becomes a kind of comedy antimatter, propelling anybody who comes into contact with it into clinical depression.
The magic secret formula revolves around a handful of archetypal comedy staples – money in the bank, crowd-pleasing winners that GUARANTEE the success of such a show. Aerial Telly can now exclusively reveal these FOUR comedy staples:
Comedy staple 1- Animals Shagging
A local news report on mad cow disease. A farmer is being interviewed. Suddenly, in the background one of his mad cows, convinced that she is Colin Farrell, starts to mount another. Farmer spins round laughing as if he had never seen two animals have sex before or even seen two animals before. Cow starts running around on hind legs recreating a scene from Alexander. Then slips on its own shit, breaking its neck.
Comedy staple 2 – Sitcom Twats
A scene from a minor BBC sitcom. Lysette Anthony, or some similar deluded FHM skank, says "Right! I don’t care if your boss is coming to dinner because I’VE JUST FORGOTTEN MY FUCKING LINES!". Cast and crew roll around floor laughing. Neil Morrissey makes mental note to have sex with Lysette Anthony at earliest possible opportunity, the marriage destroying turd.
Comedy staple 3 – Fiona Phillips
” Eamonn Holmes masturbates furiously over the menopausal urine stain she leaves on the sofa.”
Eamonn Holmes and Fiona Phillips on GMTV, engaged in between-items banter. Fiona Phillips crowbars in a double entendre before slapping her hand over her mouth and convulsing for several minutes in helpless silent mirth. Eamonn Holmes makes his signature rolling eyes gesture at the camera. Fiona Phillips has mild stroke and is dragged from the studio by security. Eamonn Holmes masturbates furiously over the menopausal urine stain she leaves on the sofa.
Comedy staple 4 – Exasperated Reporter
A news reporter in a supermarket attempts a monologue to camera. Behind him, a member of the public makes funny faces. Reporter realises this and tells him to piss off. Studio audience howls laughing. Member of public persists. Reporter threatens member of public with violence. Studio audience wave their legs in air in supplication and ecstasy. Member of public persists. Reporter beats member of public to death with tin of pineapple chunks. Studio audience laugh so hard several of them lose consciousness.
God knows, I’m no TV snob. I HEART trash telly and know that cheap, sensation-seeking television is often the most thrilling. But this is just unwatchable drivel that a monkey could make and Bonnie Langford would have difficulty cracking a smile at.
But as TV’s Funniest Fatal Car Chases, Dying Babies and Cats Falling Off Fences prove you’ll never go broke pandering to the lowest common denominator. Even-money we’ll be here 25 shows down-the-line celebrating its half-century. I can barely wait.
The best thing about it: The swearwords
The worst thing about it: People roaring laughing when It. Really. Isn’t. One. Bit. Funny.
The verdict on TV’s Naughtiest Blunders : So bad, it hurts.
Marks out of 10: 3