Michael Carroll: King Of Chavs

Channel 4

What a horrible little shitbag Keith Allen is. There’s a nasty aggression lurking just beneath the surface with him and a thuggish energy emits constantly from his self-regarding face. So it’s probably no surprise that he empathises with Michael Carroll: King Of Chavs in this documentary. The lottery winner and ASBO poster boy has become a focal point for media scrutiny of chav culture and a study of the effects of wealth on a mind hopelessly under-equipped to deal with it.

"Carroll has become a focal point for media scrutiny of chav culture and a study of the effects of wealth on a mind hopelessly under-equipped to deal with it."

Make no mistake – this is a documentary about Keith Allen that features a cameo from Michael Carroll. In a hugely intrusive narrative, Allen offers up his rambling theories on the media’s attitude to Carroll, jokes about with his production staff and generally acts like a media studies student stuck for a way to finish his video assignment.

"The Counting House becomes The Cunting House as Allen shoots the establishing shot with a lamp-post obscuring the o."

Annoyingly, it’s often very funny. An estate agent talking about the effect Carroll has on local property prices has his voice dubbed over with that of a high pitched old lady. An establishment called The Counting House becomes The Cunting House as Allen shoots the establishing shot with a lamp-post obscuring the o. What is going on here? He gets paid for this?

Carroll is a monosyllabic farmer sounding motherfucker who Allen seeks to portray as a misunderstood victim of the British disease, cutting down the tallest poppy. We’re all juss jelluss, you see. Funny how no one else seems to get the shit Carroll gets. The National Lottery has made millionaires of hundreds of ordinary Britons but they just buy tasteless furniture for their obscenely priced housing and nobody really bothers them.

"Carroll is a verminous turd who serves no function in society. He’s nothing to get excited about – he simply is."

Allen’s argument that it’s only the Daily Mail reading middle-classes who are bothered by Michael Carroll is weak. Nobody likes this idiot and it’s not just a media creation. The court cases are a matter of public record as are the bruises on his wife’s face. Carroll is a verminous turd who serves no function in society. He’s nothing to get excited about – he simply is. We all know a dozen guys like him and they go about their business more or less unmolested – beating up their wives, stealing from their employers or the state and generally being a septic abscess on society’s arse piece.

"This was a wafer thin premise to begin with and his confessional, self-deprecating manner on the commentary is disarming enough to let him get away with this."

Carroll spends most of the documentary being pursued around the country by Allen as one no-show follows another. Allen is intelligent enough to realise that this was a wafer thin premise to begin with and his confessional, self-deprecating manner on the commentary is disarming enough to let him get away with this.

We see a charity boxing match between Carroll and Rhino from Gladiators – so far only famous for being the only Gladiator Ulrika Jonsson hasn’t fucked. Rhino is a highly trained, super-fit athlete type. Carroll is highly-strung, super-shit athlete’s foot type. It’s the type of match-up you dream of. If you’re snorting dust.

"Rhino is a highly trained, super-fit athlete type. Carroll is highly-strung, super-shit athlete’s foot type."

The fight itself consists of Rhino catching Carroll’s haymakers on his gloves then pounding him with hooks and uppercuts, then graciously allowing the scrote to punch himself out on Rhino’s washboard abs – a sustained body attack which fails to affect either Rhino or the crowd who seem more concerned with the fight in the fourth row between Caroll’s family and the gen pop.

"Allen seems likely to be making a career of his own brand of gonzo documentary-making that aims to refresh the parts less intrepid gonzos can’t or won’t handle without gloves."

Now that Bodies has been cancelled and the Beeb has no need for his (excellent) portrayal of Dr Tony Whitman, Keith Allen seems likely to be making a career of his own brand of gonzo documentary-making that aims to refresh the parts less intrepid gonzos can’t or won’t handle without gloves.

Little Lady Fauntleroy his look at the Harries family freak-show was compelling viewing. ‘Michael Carroll: King Of Chavs’ was less successful, not helped by the permanently AWOL, blank canvas of a subject.

Nonetheless, I’ll probably be watching the next documentary he produces. I’m curious to see where this all goes.

The best thing about it: The Cunting House moment

The worst thing about it: The utterly predictable blaming of the meeja.

The verdict on Michael Carroll: King Of Chavs: .You shall have a fishy documentary when the scrote comes in.

Marks out of 10: 7