Mea culpa – you a cunta
Everywhere you go
Aerial Telly is a remarkable man. Certainly the most remarkable man you “know”1 . But he is a complex, flawed individual. One of his flaws, for example, is that he has a pathological lack of patience. He can’t defer gratification for three seconds. This means that if a garlic bread packet doesn’t open on the first tug he smashes it against the kitchen wall then spends the next two weeks scraping the doughy buttery aftermath off every surface in his crib. He doesn’t beat himself up about it. He has accepted himself as the brilliant, complex, flawed individual he is.
“Aerial Telly knows that he made your girlfriend come so hard her eyes rotated 360 degrees in their sockets and made her speak like Eartha Kitt for a fortnight.”
Aerial Telly is aware of his flaws. He doesn’t allow his brilliance in every other area of his life to blind him to his shortcomings. Unlike you “people” who are doomed to repeat every mistake you make time and time again, he learns from his “mistakes”. 2
Aerial Telly doesn’t make judgments. But he knows that you are fundamentally worthless. He knows that he made your girlfriend come so hard her eyes rotated 360 degrees in their sockets and made her speak like Eartha Kitt for a fortnight.
He knows that she can’t look at you without wanting to kill you for not being me.
“He knows that it takes you half-an-hour to get served in the pub even when you’re the only customer and there’s seven bar staff on.”
He knows that her depression is down to you and that every time she is in your lifeless sappy presence the serotonin literally drains out of her and makes her long for death.
He knows that you hate life and yourself. He knows you are in a job you can’t stand but are too cowardly to leave.
He knows that it takes you half-an-hour to get served in the pub even when you’re the only customer and there’s seven bar staff on. He knows that they all spit in your drink even though they don’t know you.
He knows that you are accident prone and clumsy and that you are covered in bruises from bumping into things even though you’ve lived in the same shitbox for years.
“He knows that your parents look at you with a faint sense of disappointment and an ever-growing sense of resentment”
He knows that you feel awkward and self-conscious when shopping for clothes and are easily bullied into buying things you don’t want by pushy sales staff.
He knows that your parents look at you with a faint sense of disappointment and an ever-growing sense of resentment. They gave up their best years for this?
“He knows that every time you open your mouth to speak people are counting down the seconds to when you stop.”
He knows that every time you open your mouth to speak people are counting down the seconds to when you stop.
He knows that you live your life filled with fear, jealous of the success of others.
He knows that you endlessly obsess over what is cool these days and if it’s OK to think this, say that or do the other.
He knows that your life is a mess of abandon projects, missed opportunities and failures. You never see anything through.
He knows that you voted for EllenMacArturd to win Sports Personality Of The Year.
He knows that you stopped listening to rap when it “got all gangsta” (ie when it got good)
“He knows that you stopped listening to rap when it ‘got all gangsta’ (ie when it got good)”
He knows that you pretended to like Zadie Smith‘s White Teeth
He knows that you pretended to like Seinfeld
“It boils down to this: you’re not me. You’re you and nothing you do will ever matter.”
He knows that you think Rory Bremner is a genius.
He knows that she’s leaving you.
It boils down to this: you’re not me. You’re you and nothing you do will ever matter. Thoreau said “Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them”
You are most men. And the song is Kuntie Melua‘s 9 Million Bicycles.
1 Motherfucker, you don’t know Aerial Telly. What you ~don’t~ know about me would fill a book.
2 Bitch, what Aerial Telly would call a mistake you would call your finest triumph