Mailbag
Giving something back to the little people
Hello all you turds. I’m very grateful for the dozens of e-mails I receive each day. I try to respond to each one, even if it’s only a two-word response. I want you to know that the death threats, marriage proposals and helpful suggestions are all deeply appreciated.
I will post a selection here that I regard as representative of the type of human filth I have to deal with.
God bless you all.
Aerial Telly remains a staunch supporter of X Factor and was thrilled to be contacted by the show’s 2004 champion Steve Brookstein who Aerial Telly may possibly have lightheartedly referred to as a cheeseball at some point.
Steve Brookstein
to thecoldgun@gmail.com
date 12 January 2010 14:31
subject Steve Brookstein
Hi James
I stumbled across you website and noticed you slagging me off.
Please check out eileenhunter.co.uk she has just signed to JazzFM. I co-write and produced the album which is set for release later this year. I value your opinion as you seem to know so much about everything.
Best wishes
Steve Brookstein
Well…
Aerial Telly responds:
Sounds like that broad can sing, Steve – good for you.
As for you, I’d have gone with those G4 freaks in the 2004 final myself but who listens to me?
Regards
AT
FYI, everybody of consequence listens to Aerial Telly.
I bet you didn’t know Aerial Telly was the place to contact to hire Charlotte Church to play hidden camera practical jokes on your significant other? Because Aerial Telly certainly didn’t. Sarah Mujinya, Team Secretary of the South London and Maudsley NHS Foundation Trust which, they say, provides mental health and substance misuse services for people living in the London Boroughs of Croydon, Lambeth, Southwark and Lewisham, has put him straight on that however.
from Mujinya, Sarah <Sarah.Mujinya@slam.nhs.uk>
to thecoldgun@gmail.com
date 21 November 2008 17:28
subject charlotte church show
I would really like to play prank on my boyfriend, but he can always sus me out, it is incredible, how can I get charlotte church in on the prank?
Erm…
Aerial Telly responds:
Confiscating her borefriend’s fake tan until she complies with your demands would do the trick I imagine.
Aerial Telly would like some of whatever Sarah has been smoking.
Among the many dribblings from the emotionally crippled Aerial Telly receives are furiously illiterate missives defending "people" he has destroyed. Take this from Mike Shannon who picks up the cum-faced corpse of The San Francisco Chronicle’s Tim Goodman, right after he played with Aerial Telly, and runs with it.
from Mike Shannon <mshannon@als.net>
to thecoldgun@gmail.com
date 8 December 2008 00:15
subject What?
Do you think you are some kind of comic genius? Which screenwriter’s book about comedy did you read to formulate such…..formulaic statements? Maybe you should go back to watching Cheers reruns if Sam Malone was such a well constructed character. I suppose you like Craig Shoemaker and Dane Cook. Are they brilliant? And if Tim Goodman is a cunt, then you must have a hard on for him, because he’s paid and you’re not. If anything, Tim Goodman goes out of his way to embrace edgy, ridiculous stuff. You my friend are the numb nuts. Let’s hear your complaints about South Park, Monty Python, Little Britian or any other thing that doesn’t have Sam Malone (Ted Danson) in it. I guess Becker is in your top ten of all time, right after Head of the Class. You, my friend, are a tool. It is one thing to say you don’t like Tim, which is possible….not everybody will. But your bitchy, whiny, nastiness has nothing behind it excet bitter sorrowful tears of a guy that felt jilted about a letter he sent to Tim Goodman that got no response.
Aerial Telly responds:
Mike, Tim doesn’t love you – he never will. Your brave show of chivalry is in vain.
And there’s no if about it – he is a fucking cunt though not as big a cunt as you, clearly.
And Aerial Telly gets paid like a motherfucker, as professional writer, gambler and poonhound which goes to show what the fuck you know.
There is really no talking to some "people".
Eva Shamoon wrote with a query about the Nigella review
why dont you like nigela ? regards eva
Regards,
Evati55
Perth, Western Australia,
Aerial Telly responds:
Nigella seems a nice enough lass, Eva, but the chat show blows like a hurricane. And she looks mental.
Regards
Aerial Telly.
Eva persists.
thank you for your reply, i live in australia i was born in iraq, do you know charles saachis email? i would love to email him and catch up with our back ground. thank you so much, regards eva,
Well, as Don Logan once said "I’m here for you, Gal…"
Aerial Telly responds:
Your best bet is to try http://www.saatchi-gallery.co.uk and look for a contact address there. If you get in touch, say hi from Aerial Telly – me and Charles used to hang together back in the day.
Cheers
Aerial Telly
I will update, of course, on any developments.
Peter Serafinowicz confirmed Aerial Telly‘s suspicions about him this week with a brutal Christmas special with some horrific material that howled and blew like an August hurricane. It was indisputably and empirically bad and the television panopticon received many congratulatory messages upon calling the issue correctly at an early stage. Yet still some spunk drunk frauds tried to test. Notably, utterly worthless cocksucker Roger van der Velde.
from Roger van der Velde <rogervandevelde@gmail.com>
subject Peter Serafinowicz
Verdict: Serafinowicz – Funny and will get better.
You: Shit internet writer who is still shit.
Some fact checking was in order for the Flemish fuckpig
Aerial Telly responds:
Peter Serafinowicz: talented comic actor who can’t write for shit.
Aerial Telly: internationally renowned poonhound, gambler and writer published in The Guardian and Vanity Fair Italia among others.
You: comedy groupie and failed writer cunt.
Aerial Telly really can’t believe that Christmas brings no respite from these "people".
They just keep on coming. Can any of you douchebags actually read?
From Ruth Whelton <ruth.whelton@btinternet.com>
to thecoldgun@gmail.com,
Please could you consider me for yournext show, as i am getting married this August and want to look my best.
Unfortunatley i need your help to look ten years younger my I need to loose weight and i need a new smile for my wedding photes. Please could you make my dream come true as i enjoy watching the series.
Contact number is 07XXXXXXXX or ruth.whelton@btinternet.com
I look forward to hearing from you.
Aerial Telly responds:
Aerial Telly no longer has the words to respond to these e-mails.
What is it with you "people"?
DARREN702003@aol.com "writes", presumably referencing the Weeds review
subject: small brained american fuck
Wot the fuck do you know about the herb ya hillbilly fuck!!!!!
Aerial Telly responds:
I’m not American, you illiterate chav cunt.
What is it with you "people"?
Also hitting up Aerial Telly was Daniel Hart who had a more general query.
subject: About your writing…
Hi James…
I just want to say, as a reader of the Guardian and Observer, admirer of people like yourself and Charlie Brooker, Chris Morris etc, that I enjoy your sick, jaundiced, perverse opinions a lot. I am an atheist, recognise that much satire is not making fun of, for example, LITERALLY paedophilia, the McCanns etc, but I want to express something else.
Why are you writing, what seems to me, offensive, humanity-hating diatribes? They go so far beyond satire, they are psychotic with rage and violence even.
I realise what you say is deliberately contentious. Sadly for our culture, I often agree with your awful, often self-loathing views. I could draw a line with Charlie Brooker – with him (in my opinion), there is a morality that underscores everything he writes or presents that gives succour to the vicious cruelty that he exposes as "TV", because there is something redemptive in his views, no matter how low, grim or banal the tv he decribes.
In other words, I am reading a lot of stuff written by you that is plain offensive. Of course we are not talking about pakis, blacks and jews.
Yet, it feels like the same thing – a kind of sneering, hate-filled attitude.
For me, you have crossed a line, where satire has become gross, vicious and nasty. Whilst I recognise your obvious intelligence, I don’t understand why your plume of bilious puke sprays so wide. Why?
Your website is frankly a depressing but brilliant read – a superbly written manifesto – for – nothing. You write so nihilistically… maybe what you so deeply hate is avoidable?
Perhaps you are a fundamentalist in your own way? I really don’t see the balancing emotion that a guy like Charlie Brooker shows. Something to sugar the pill?! Dare I say, when I read your Guardian piece, or your site, I truly feel that there is someone who hates life and sees no other option.
I hope I articulated myself enough. Tell me why you write, and feel the way you do. And, indeed, tell me why I am wrong!
Dan
Aerial Telly responds:
Cockmuncher1
1Actually he doesn’t. He wrote an articulate and marvellous response to Dan which reassured the over excitable boy and is now considering using "a superbly written manifesto – for – nothing" as his new byline.
Bernadette Sims comments on the 10 Years Younger piece.
Barry Sims <barry.sims@dsl.pipex.com> hide details 5:21 pm (8 hours ago)
to thecoldgun@gmail.com
date Jan 19, 2007 5:21 PM
subject ten years younger
Well what a load of rubbish you have written, you must be ugly or else why else would you write this. I work in the centre of town and find it hard to see any people who make any kind of effort to make themselves look better and that’s be-cause they probably feel like crap and cant be bothered to make the effort. How you dress is a reflection of who you are and if you don’t give a crap about how u dress you don’t give a crap about your life and things in it.
Bernadette Sims
Aerial Telly responds:
Eat a dick, bitch.
An anonymous TV enthusiast writes on the Loose Women review
Anthonyevans27@aol.com to me
show details Nov 13 (3 days ago)
if it were not for the men in our lives then the ‘loose women’ would have nothing to be synical about..as for oxycodine etc..get your facts right..thats a pain killer not an antidepressant..loose women??? how about sagging men??
Aerial Telly responds:
Well, quite. I hate the growing problem of sagging men also. The bastards. And I hate synicism too. By the way, does your husband know you’re using his e-mail account? I imagine him going to his sent items folder every day and whispering "oh Christ, not again…"
And where do I say or imply that oxycontin is an anti-depressant?
Aerial Telly
Isn’t complaining about the men in your life on your man’s e-mail a tactical error? No response to that as of yet but please, keep these pertinent and literate e-mails coming.
On 11/28/06, Sable Basilisk <rsoul@saintly.com > wrote: Subject: What a Winner You Are!
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I thank you from the bottom of my heart, and from my wife’s bottom also, for bringing a whiff of the English public house to the nostrils of someone who sadly has been living in a tropical paradise for far too long. Just when I was despairing that the written word emanating from the old country has become politically correct and boringly trite you come along and brighten up my day with lashings of expletives and bucketfuls of excrement.
You’re not even deterred by having no knowledge of the particular subject or bothered about being seen as an intellectual dwarf. Bravo, if a critic were to say you don’t have the brains of a donkey, I’d leap to your defence and say you do. It warms the cockles of my heart to think that the Great British traditions of bigotry and ignorance still prevail. Don’t change, promise me you won’t ever get an education or switch the tele off and read a book, no I mean a real one without pictures. How I envy you, to be so poised and confident, so masterfully sure of your own self-importance, (yes I know that’s a tautology – did you?) to play such witty games with your witless opponents, to boldly go where no man has gone before!
To dispense wit and wisdom tempered with caution and censure in the manner of a benign monarch. A giant amongst men. To push one’s head deeper and deeper into the nether region where the sun doesn’t shine; and to do so again, and again, and again, tirelessly, fearlessly. May it truly be said of you one day that in your shadow lesser mortals quake!
rob soul
Aerial Telly responds:
Starts off well Rob, but you do over-egg the pudding a bit. Less is more in these cases as you want to give the subject the impression that they haven’t really bothered you, which they obviously have in your case. Still, makes a change from the UR GAY e-mails I get.
Aerial Telly
If there are any other failed/frustrated writers out there who’d like to give their self-regarding critiques I’d love to read them. No, really. It’s either that or deal with the "when does Prison Break come on terrestrial TV?" mails and that’s no damn fun at all.
The X Factor piece prompted this remarkable expos